Christmas is hard for me

I wish I would have taken before pics of the car my parents let me have for Christmas.  A window was left open and the back seat was filed was mildew and because the car was packed under trees it was grey instead of white. I mean come on. If this is my CHRISTMAS PRESANT make it nicer....she just sees it as doing me a favor.

I have a complex of feeling not good enough.  Feeling low class. She, my mother has always put me there. 

I had went through 3 weeks of severe depression. I slept and was exhausted. I don't remember much. But after going to the doc....a few days later I came out of the depression and I'm experiencin something else. My anxiety is kicking in over time. I've been crying more. I know the type of depression I have is what ended Robin Williams life.  The only thing that keeps me going are my kids. .... I felt self destructive the other day. 

I screwed up and told my husband parents something out of anger....well its more that he doesn't listen to me. I feel I'm married to a teenager instead of a partner.  I can't explain on here.  I just want things to be different.  I also found out he is still taking pain pills...the elderly man says he only gives 1 or 2 a month....but if my husband takes that how do I know he's not taking more? I don't know what to do.

Waiting for the stress to END

Since there's noone else I can talk to being silent is part of what is sending me into a depression that led me to this stupid funk almost 1 year ago. I am silenced with no outlet. I can't talk to sher because she is like Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde in real life. You never know which person you get.... she leaves me constantly stressed. Josh I know lies about stuff...money. how is Geting weed.....if he is still taking pills. Maybe I'm just crazy at this point.... (my only clues pill bottle with label peeled off and blood sugar testing strip container, he spend alot of time with an elderly man in the past I caught him looking for pills and his pills went up missing before)  I don't tell Joe anything anymore. ...I think I lost my credibility.  But josh would get depressed and shut down and it wouldn't help anyway.   I wish we worked together.....I wish when I asked him to help me he would. Like we could work on being healthy together. He never follows through with anything. I wish josh would quit smoking....josh jr  has found his "stuff" twice in the last 6 weeks.... (his response was I thought you didn't smoke "leaves" daddy)   they still smoke it in the house. I wish he would quit. I know he wouldn't do it for me. If he did it for me he would just lie and do it behind my back.
I can't talk to my family bc they would want me to leave him.    Can't talk to my friend because she couldn't be friends with me because of her military clearance.  I think about telling Karry. ...but I see the words getting twisted and Joe saying you need to work things out and Noone really understanding. .....I can't tell my counselor cause of dfcs.  I am not happy.......I keep waiting for the day it gets better.

Found my muse

I've been grasping at straws to write something here. My depression has set in real hard. It's hard to think straight. The only thing I really do is find ways to get free things online. I am addicted to that!

I've finally started to get back on top of house work and enjoying Christmas time. Current ly making paper chains to hang. I just wish my boys were more into artsy stuff .....but they like video games and mischief better.

I know it's early for New Years resolutions but instead of making a weight loss one like always ....I want to start doing 1 5 k a month no less than 1 every 3 months if money is tight.....I want to always beat my best pr everytime which......there's only up from here. I think it would be a great journey for me.

I can't wait!

Christmas Crafts

This year I wanted to try to be more home made for Christmas. I figured it be a great way to bond with the kiddos. So far we've made cinnamon ornaments and orange pompous. Both are supposed to smell yummy.

I wasn't right there on top of it knowing the oven cooks high I should have been. So everything came out over cooked. But it was such fun anyway!

I do have to say putting glitter on was a big mess....still finding glitter a week later!

Having a hard time

I have been depressed lately. I got off my healthy eating habits and haven't found my way back. I even gained weight....again. I feel so discouraged. All I do is stuff junk in my face.

My step sister had her baby. I'm excited to meet him. But I can't shake this childish jealous feeling. How everyone has come together (her mom and dad and step mom) but they wouldn't do the same for me. Her step mom aka my mom doesn't like her real mom...but they come together for her. Every birthday party I have had for 11 years (3 kids) I have to chose who to invite. My mom or my dad. I couldn't even invite my dad to my wedding. I didn't think it was an option....I'm sure it wasnt.

Another thing on my mind .....my family went to a cook out at their lake (moms) house and my kids were young. They had us eat outside because they didn't want my k8ds to mess up anything.

Things are better now. But I wish I could shut my feelings off.  Not care that I'm not close to my family.

I have had so many chances to review things over the last week! It's become my favorite past time. I'm still new to this Reviewsio site but I'm excited to try! The bigger your network the more points you can get. Get products for discount and review it!

https://reviewsio.com/register?mref=Mommabartlett317

If this one isn't for you I have others.

Breast reduction 6wks post op

After getting over bronchitis it seems I started healing 100xs faster. The places that were taking weeks and weeks to heal seems to be healing overnight. I credit that to making sure to badge and using lots of vasiline. There are many things I wish I did different that no amount of research I done prepared me for. I love have my breast smaller but I truly believe that after so long of suffering with large breast I hate mine. Even the size they are now I wish I could have gone smaller. I already am getting new stretch marks from the weight of my knockers. Im terrified that my boobs will end up sagging. With the swelling finally going down they are no longer tight and now I think I need more supportive sports bras.

I don't regret the surgery though.

Gym membership

I have been doing awful dieting. I can't stand that I find myself mindlessly eating. I am not alone atleast. My FB group has several people strugglin in it. So I'm determined to stay positive and not to let things keep me down. I've talked to my husband and I really want to get a gym membership. Some day next week I should have it.

I can't wait!

Product Review is awesome!

I found a new hobby and I love it! I have gotten so many things so far spending under $25. The one that cost me the most is a Carbine Men's Ring for $10. Most things cost under 2$ or even FREE!

Including ebooks 

This isn't even half of what I've gotten.

All I have to do is leave a review on Amazon.

How cool is that?!

Time to homeschool

After years of debating on whether I should or shouldn't I've overcome my fears (being a SAHM now helps) and am ready to take the steps to home school my little fireball. This has been a long time coming. He's missed countless days of school. We couldn't leave the house and have been a one person working family in fear that the school would call and we would have to get him.

I know one person (a dear friend) expressed her concerns i shouldnt have to homeschool because the public school fail. I don't think they failed. We have made so many trips there we are regulars. We have talked to councilors, teachers, social workers, principals. He has an IEP.  He has outside councilors, therapist, and psychologist. We've tried medicine, changed his meds, added meds, and increased  his dose. I really feel I've tried everything.

I had one person tell me it's not for me. At first I was really sensitive. I feel people think I'm not good enough. I know I am. I've always been a teacher to my kids.

In thinking about this decision I took into account that one on one he is awesome. He loves to learn new things. By himself there is no problem. When he's around others you never know what sets him off.

We will see though.

Happy November 1st

After I was doing so well today marks a week I can't seem to find my self on track. If all goes well I hope I can get a gym membership. Somethings got to give. My 10 year anniversary is in August I would like to renew my vows. Wish me luck.

In a brighter note thanks to halloween I got plenty of exercise. As I'm sure most of us did! However, I got a arm work out too when my son clogged my parents toilet! I worked it for half an hour screaming everytime poop water hit my arms and hands "this is sooo nasty."  I never did get it unclogged.

My boys. I can say that next year no mask. They took them off while trick or treating.

I'm excited to say that I just started becoming a product tester! I get my first shipment November 3rd! I get to keep the product for a discounted price and all I have to do is review it! How great is that!

I'm sorry I jump from subject to subject without a smoother transition. I have a hard time writing. My thought process just goes cold. 

Well Happy November 1st!

well hello

After 10 months without aunt flo, looks to me she's going to see her wrath. I hope this is the reason for my depression and not falling off my wagon. I've been waiting to be able to exercise after my reduction. Now I feel I'm able but I lack the desire to do so. I'm not super depressed thanks to anti depressants but it's enough to have me lack the desire to do anything. I have house cleaning to do. It's a never ending job that as soon as I do the work it's messy the next second. Endless cycle.

My son came home yesterday. They changed his meds. There is definitely a difference in his personality. He seems more quiet. I'm not sure if I like that. I just hope it will be the last time he needs his meds changed for awhile. I hope he doesn't need to express his anger physically especially in school.

I

Behavior issues

My youngest son is diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. Unfortunately due to his age there isn't much else they can diagnose him with. This all started when he was in pre-k. We were reluctant to give him medication and ended up pulling him from school. He went through kindergarten and first grade, he was suspended and in trouble several times a week. I felt horrible as a mom. Everything I tried to do to help him didn't work. He was constantly abusing teachers and students for reasoning not even he knows. He has gotten better with the help of great teachers, therapist, and an iep.

So Monday we got a call early morning from the school he was in the principals office once again. That was resolved and the rest of the school day was good. That is until he was on the bus. There he kicked the window, hit his head against it. Hurt other kids and his brothers. The bus driver told me I would be paying for damages if he broke something.

When he came in he continued with the irratic behavior trying to break the door, dumping dresser drawers out, and trying to break things. I got him in to a facility that night. (This would be his second stay in a year, he's 7) The behavior hadn't changed and carried through evaluation.

Ofcourse he is alittle hyper but is doing well during his stay. My sour patch kid is exactly like the commercial. Sour then sweet.  He is so incredibly smart and throughout his difficulty teachers love him.

As a mom I feel bad. I know I do everything I can for him, but I wish I knew what was causing this.

Time will be his best savior. Time to mature. Time to learn self control. I love my baby and I will do anything to make sure he's able to succeed as an adult.

Struggling

Having a major depression disorder really holds me back at times. I work hard to keep my head on straight, but it does effect my day. As much as I want to be motivated, I find myself on the couch.  I guess I should be honest and say it's been days since I've washed my hair. My clothes are dirty.  Where I use to care about my appearance I just don't get enjoyment anymore. I want to lose weight for confidence. I work on self love. I still dread seeing myself in any way. I avoid mirrors, pictured, and getting naked.  I drag to take care of the house. (Though i do get it done)..And where I once thrived in being an awesome mommy....I feel run down. Not respected. And frustrated.  (Course there's other reasons for this)

 I let food take over and I ate mindlessly. Maybe I was just bored. I'm not proud of that. I know if I get back on track tomorrow all is well.  I also know to keep the negative thoughts at bay, to keep moving forward. I'll figure things out.

Why I want to lose weight.

I made a list of Why I want to lose weight. I know there may be a few more things to add but this is what I have so far. 

I know there are things I need to change to get there. For one, I need to be more active. I sit on the couch alot. I can exercise during comercials. I want to utilize the exercise videos on demand. Every hour spend 10 min cleaning.  Spend time deep cleaning (you know cause that makes you sweat) and to be honest, having issues with depression I find it hard to be motivated to clean. Sometimes laundry is backed up. Or even though with 3 boys their bathroom needs cleaning and I just look at it and cringe. I know if I just add in exercise the weight would start dropping off. 

It's one of those things you can't just talk about it. You have to just do it.  

Never Good Enough.

I have turned this blog into weightloss mostly. I try to be up beat and positive for everyone.  Fact is I struggle. It bothers me when my MIL brings up a niece and how well SHE is doing at home schooling. It's like all my credit has been taken from me. My place isn't nice enough. Or clean enough. The kids have behavior problems but I work my ass off for them. To get them help they need. To keep up with homework.  She has 2 kids. You know I bet if I would have home schooled and if I do my son would have less problems.  I just don't feel good enough.

All 3 of my sisters are doing well for themselves. None struggle emotionally like I do. Or with their weight. I am often left out of family things because I don't socialize well they've become women with men and lives. And I have made so many mistakes. I have secluded myself. I spent my life trying to fit in, to be good enough. I accept I'm never going to be more than me.

I'm scared of weightloss.  It's been over 11 years since I last liked me. Since I felt sexy. Since I had confidence. I'm ready to lose weight, however long it takes. I know I'm not going to have the teenaged figure. And I've let my twenties slip by. And now I'm a woman 31 soon to worry about fine line and wrinkles. I'm scared to death of what's under this layer of fat. Will I look youthful? Or will I still be this frumpy tired looking  aging woman. Will I be good enough for me?

I will push on and push forward. As long as I don't let these thoughts sit on my mind they can't control my mind.

weigh in

I didn't get I picture this morning but I'll get one.  Yesterday at the doctor I was 289.....but not this morning .   How I feel? This would normally  disappoint me but I know as I become more active it will be easier to come off. 

I also read success stories some people take years to lose weight and some months. Losing weight isn't a race. I find myself more stressed when I have a date to lose weight by. I would take drastic measures just to make sure there was a loss on the scale. I didn't even want there to be the same number.  Another thing I do is dissappear in shame. Or quit participating. 

This is where loving yourself comes in. It's ok to make mistakes. What is one day, one week, one month. .....to the rest of your life? You can take it back. Or you can start now. Keep going!

Breast Readuction

September 25 2015

I had a breast reduction and lift. They took off around 8lbs.  I can tell now no matter the outcome I would still do the surgery. 

 Before 

 How much to be taken off. I never got nervous. 

After surgery .  Coming out of surgery I felt most pain but they put something for pain in my IV.  It really wasn't too bad. Take pain meds on time. DO AS DOCTOR SAYS.

I had a free nipple graph (nipple was completely taken off and put back on). This was 5 days after surgery recovery is just beginning. 

I had complications. Maybe if I would have stay still things would have healed quicker...2-3weeks

4-5 weeks there is finally some healing here

Where the butter fly stitches are I still have problems.  Also I have accepted the fact I have no nipples.

With trying to lose weight (which im having an off day today) i have a facebook group (losing weight and overcoming) where I mostly concentrate on health. But on weekends I concentrate on self. So I  Took sometime for my self and used some products I found around the house.  Made a face and hair mask and  relaxed.

with 3 boys having a spa day is alittle too much fun. Lol

I found myself impressed and my confidence boosted since usually my hair is limp and greasy looking :(.  

I will most definitely be having spa day again next time trying a scrub and an oil vs what I did use.  

Funny thing is ever since venturing with my diet into healthier venues. I want to try at home remedies for beauty.

Finally a change in life

After months of struggling with severe depression and weight gain. I can finally say there has been positive outcome in my life. With the help of taking meds regularly my attitude has improved greatly. I'm motivated and have kept up  with my Facebook group for weightloss  (losing weight and overcoming )  it's still new but a few friends and I are already have started losing weight.

I can't weight to start exercising with the heat gone and the beautiful autumn weather in. It's great family walking weather. Alas I had a breast reduction that is having trouble healing about a month ago. If only I could learn to sit still.

Going to have a breast Reduction

I know its been awhile. Alots happened and i will update here and there. But first. I was approved for a breast Reduction!  September 9th is post op and September 25th is the big day. I have been doing lots ove research on youtube watching videos of people who had the surgery and watching the actual surgery. I know afterwards i wont be able to sleep on my stomach and since i dont have a recliner i will need extra pillows so im laying in an inclined position. I have been planning meals and writing them down so in a few days i will shop and prepare/freeze meals. Lets seeee..... i need to make sure to have shirts that are button up easy accessable. I hope I'm not missing anything.

Getting back my life

So much has change since being off my anti psycotics. Its like getting my life back. How do people function on them. I feel more like myself I dont know when things will change but for now i am enjoying doing things like sitting out with my chickens. Hiking to our creek and swimming at the lake...

I can continue my quest to help others in something....i was trying to speak out for mental illness but I forgot how or where I was going with it.

For now i am posting a weight loss related entry:

I have been so confident in my eating but today included 2 hot dogs and some chips. Im confident i didnt over induldge too much between lunch and dinner but it was mind over matter and my mind won. Im confident i will be back on track tomorrow especially since im food journaling.

Fresh start

The anti psycotics meds have been out of my system a while and im feeling alot better. Im not a zombie like a was and im on the 2nd day to the goal to lose more than half my weight.

Over the months of being on the meds all I did was gain weight very quickly. I am very motivated to start losing it. I have a group on facebook:  Losing weight and Overcoming

I want to inspire people

I want people to love them self as they are

I want to motivate people

I am a real person not like the other groups. People really struggle. I want people to ask questions and participate.

Please dont be afraid to join.

Been a while

My weight is up....290+  my meds are up.....im not sure what to write about. I feel detached from the world. I sleep more. I eat more. I complain more.
But lets talk about life. I raise chicken and 2 ducks. I have a cat and dog that run through the house and play with each other. ...oh i aquired a huge angora bunny. Its really fluffy. Its like a zoo here lol.
Ive started painting again paint by numbers.....i hate it. But im going to finish it even if it takes a month.
Thats all i got

Emotional pain

I dont understand why I hurt so bad emotionally. My heart hurts. Maybe its cause I absolutely need the Effexor.
No one understands. And here i am in tears again. My husbands afraid to leave me with the kids. I cant clean my body hurts, I'm gaining weight as I write. I cant control myself. I did finally get the medication I need but now I have to wait for it to work. I feel hopeless and alone. I don't want to do anything  I just sleep I want so bad to be positive and alive.

Hate

When you hate yourself so much for no reason.  You don't know why. No one else knows, nor do they know why,  nor can they fix it. Then you feel alone.

Weigh in

Amazing just changing meds can do.

Foot in mouth

So I have a friend i like dearly. We have common intrest and have quirks. ...I  really like her but I'm really really quirky. So i stay to myself. I mostly dont swear. I mostly listen. And alot of the past year and a half i spent emotional and disconnected.  Now im off the meds and i feel silly. I may throw in a curse word or dirty joke or two. My mind stays in the gutter. But i feel i went to far and even though she says she wasnt offended i feel i over stepped the boundaries of the friendship. This is the reason i dont keep friends....i feel to weird for people and that im just looked at .....i dont know. I just dont fit in.

Depression to an escape

Being Real: http://youtu.be/WEmodNliNwQ

Just hard

Going through each day. I eat the pain away it seems to help till i see the scale. Till i see myself. I sleep just to pass the time. Day in day out it was pain of fighting the desire to hurt my self i felt so angry. And now i feel pure aniety. I dont know how much more i can take. Being surrounded by family i feel so alone. Yet when people reach out i retract i want to shrink into my hole and disappear. I don't take care of my family, my kids, my house. I let myself (cant say wither away as i gain 10lbs a week) ....go. 

I started taking extra anxiety pills to help me last till the doc appointment.

I'm writing to keep note of my feelings.

Another thing i have no desire to keep going. I use to hold the family together. I cared about financial things. I cared about the house cleanliness. I felt like I nagged about the kids clothes school work real dinners. But all off thats changed. I have no motivation and i feel i drag every one down too. I have to get better to get things in the order i want it in.

Just realized i need this blog most now

People ask the normal how are you? The normal response Im fine pleases person to next series of conversation details. Who really wants to hear i cant stop thinking of cutting myself. Or im really angry id like to chop something up dont worry its not you. People just dont understand what we dont understand our selves....its notnlike we try to be morbid. And heres the as backwards question are we depressed because we think morbid thoughts or think morbid thoughts because we are depressed? 

It started in march more then a desire but vissions of cutting myself. Before it was only few......now its all day. I rather sleep then be awake.  Its like my wrist are calling to me.  Sometimes there is so much pain it a knife to the chest....now i know i wouldnt do that.

This all could be because the docs played with my medication too much and took me off what i needed....

Military 3 day diet - day 3

I already screwed up the 3 day diet.  I think on the diet till i get use to it i should go to bed at a decent time  (sleep through the craving and have breakfast.)  I have seriquil working against me bc I WANT SOMETHING SWEET and off the diet i could drink my fake sweet coffee....or eat my frozen fruit.  This diet you have to stick to 100%.   I felt satisfied after tending to my craving but after reading that people are talking to me I felt guilty. I felt guilty i have 1 day left I tend to finish it out and still weigh in Monday  morning. This diet has me looking at my diet plan different. Like maybe i should have a prewritten EASY meal plan for a week and do it every week. Also i enjoy posting my meals i felt held accountable.

But onto the meals for the day:

 

 

Defiantly not what.
 I consider breakfast. But 5 crispy saltines. 1oz of cheese. and a refreshing apple.

 

 

Lunch again...small 1 hard boiled egg and 1 toast...

 

 

Dinner 1 cup of tuna. half a banana and a cup of vanilla ice cream

 

 

I was strangely satisfied the third day but over all due to the fact that I did NOT stay on the diet I did not lose or gain weight. I would try this diet again. It has given me a second look at my eating habits and some ideas on how to stay on course. 1 being taking pictures and sharing. But this is all for now

 



3rd video

Weight loss: http://youtu.be/w_Jk3rYAIAU

Military 3 Day Diet - Day 2

Today was day two of the Military/3 Day Diet. I woke up already hungry. I got straight to cooking (after talking to myhungrily mom) and enjoyed breakfast. Though I put a little almond milk in it that's a no no. Your not suppose to wander from this food path. I did some cleaning. Hunger greeted me before it was time for lunch. I bit the bullet (hungrily) and really felt disappointed in a way that what was for lunch really didn't seem lunchy. I was surprisingly pleased and filled. Took a nap....cleaned some more....was hungry again before time...minus the hot dogs this meal seemed so much better than I thought....

Now I'm Hungry

 

My husband is doing this with me he cheated and weighed...2lbs lost already. 

 

 

Breakfast- 1yummy egg that I dipped my hearty 1 toast into,

 half a delicious banana and caffeinated coffe

 

Lunch- 5 Crisp Saltine Crackers, 1 filling .....Hard ....Boiled ...Egg. 

1 cup of surprisingly good cottage cheese

 

Dinner- 2 beefy hotdogs, 1 cup of broccoli, 1/2 cup carrots

and the most amazing desert that has me n'er to see 1/2 a banana and a cup

 of ice cream the same again....I squished the banana into a coffee cup, put

it in the microwave for 30 seconds and mixed it into the Ice cream like

a sauce...it was soooo YUMMY.

 

alas I go to sleep early so I am not tempted.

 

One day left before Monday morning weigh-in ... THEN FREEDEOM

and going on a similar but different diet....something that includes more food!

Friday Weigh-in and DAY 1 Military 3 day diet

 

I am please to announced after a week of fighting urges to gorge. The scale gave me a positive number (even after the gain through out the week that scared me into fighting those damn cravings.

I came across a diet (which I'm not into diets I just like easy) and what is easier than a 3 day diet guarantying UPTO 10lbs lost in 3 days. So I thought what the hell.... Lets see if this works.

 

Here goes day 1. I mostly (and my husband) stayed full till the evening when I guess boredom struck. We reluctantly stuck with it. 

 

Breakfast was the most satisfying piece of toast with 2 Tbls of peanut butter

A refreshing half of a grapefruit.   Belly warming Caffeinated Hot tea 

 

There were 2 plates but I dropped one lol.

A cup of belly soothing hot tea, a piece of yummy toast loaded with 1/2 a cup of tuna. 

 

The icing on the cake 3 on filet mignon, crisp grilled green beans, healthy small apple and small banana.

 

AND DESERT a whole cup of decadent vanilla Ice cream (I use two half cups)

 

Its not so bad cant wait to get through the rest the days.



Depression lies within....and then its gone

I am so depressed. Fighting with the husband. I don't even know why I'm upset. I think I'm getting use to my medicine. I keep having thoughts of hurting myself. The high I felt yesterday like I assumed would disapate did just that.  and i am back in a low. Im angry. I feel empty and alone. I hate myself. I hate everyone. I want to rip my skin off. This is just a vicious cycle that I can predict before it happens. I know a high will end and i harm myself the only way I can get away with. With food.  I turn into a zombie almost none responsive.

Ten minutes later after this today....thanks to a child like heart i was so ecstatic to hearthe bellowing horns of Bull Frogs at my neighbors pool. From there the evening was family watching movies till bed and husband requesting us to work together or talk.

I just go so crazy. I dont know if I'm coming or going or what the hell is going on.  I just realize symptoms. ....like the parinoia.  Or triggers to my ptsd.

None of this is easy.

Pumped

Im so ready to just work it. I know this is a high....and i will fall again. But till then, I finally managed to grab the bull by the horn (on day 2 I might add) of not listening to the junk food monster in my mind. I made it passed the walk to the fridge. ..walk away....walk back open fridge....open freezer. .."AHH  Something I want but nothing I  can have!" Slam doors loose cals sweating from fighting that sexy monster beast.....The urge getting stronger.....walk away walk away......

COFFEE!   Right now that is beating my sweat tooth craving (the good fake sugar) drinking lots of water and eating something as im hungry for breakfast lunch or dinner. I have a new work out i want to start but ive been cleaning but i will do this!

Im on facebook group: losing weight and Overcoming

To lose to fit beginning

making myself acountable

Angry

Im trapped and angry. Anger doesnt work well for md it causes me to want to inflict self harm.....whether it be to indulge in a super fattening food or have ill wish of pushing everything i love away. I know its got to be the condition. I feel such hatred. Like he is better than me. And mother and son will stick together. I feel like a child now. I cant leave as a please. I've been told to go to my room or a corner. Im so angry i could cry. All over the door being left open and the stupid dog brought a dead chicken in the house. I didnt freaken know. Im supose to take responsibility for my action but i didnt know i did anything wrong so i dont want to apologize. ...I'm to angry. Im just going to binge on some cookies.

Sweaty mess

worked it up on the treadmill!  Only 15 minutes and 50 sit ups on the ab lounge and 30 steps on the stair stepper.. there is suppose to be more on the list but maybe it's best I don't over push myself the first time.  I'm going to pat myself on the pack with what I've already done today and PUSH for better tomorrow.  Now I'm pooped and have house work to do. I feel onfidenct.

Picture Progress

 Here's where I start.....

April 2, 2015 

 

 

 

Weekly weigh-in

Weekly Friday Weigh-ins

Friday, April 10, 2015

 

 

 

Friday, April 3, 2015

 

 

 

 

Mental Illness

http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/01/things-to-overcome.html
  First overdose, on my sons birthday.

http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/from-wite-cell-of-hell-to-freedom-short.html

The story of my first time in a mental hospital
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/the-labyrinth-of-my-mind.html

Struggling
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/crazy-lady-rambles-mental-illness.html

Acceptance
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/ive-got-urge.html

Somethings wrong
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/explination-of-mad-woman.html

Trying to own schizophrenia
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/surreal.html

Medication problems
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/03/things-i-noticed-correlation-of-thoughts.html
Getting better
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/03/in-and-out.html

Taking time
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/03/not-always-good.html 
 second hospital stay



　
 　

First real video blog *intro*

I wanted to see how this went I don't know if it will be my last.
I have yet made friends with the exercise equipment. But I feel myself getting close to being ready. Being motivated.  I can't believe I gained so much weight back... but at least some of it is due to the fact I've started producing milk. All of it is my condition and my medication. It is sooo hard to turn back the hands of time.  The weather is wonderful though. And to be honest against my doctors prescription I went back to my old prescription....I cant sleep all day. Which is what I find myself doing now. Things have to change. I have to figure out how to use this site. Please bare wit me.

*Cue rocky theme*

I plan to start making this more weightloss related. Yes Im overcoming but its time to move forward. I have a whole work out area equipped with everything you love to hate at the gym.

The TREADMILL you walk/run and end up no where kinda like worrying about problems you can't fix.....but I could use it to melt away the pounds.

An ELIPTICAL all i see is a sweaty mess and a bunch of heaving and gasping....i see class in lamaze in my future breathing exercises is a must.

The mountainus STAIR STEPPER no pain no gain right? Right? Oh the pain what am i thinking!

The "OTHERS" you know when you buy into those infomercials on how cool this that or the equipment is but your to embarrassed to admit to your friends you have them after all....do they really work? Well, the AB LOUNGE* the easiest way to a sit up. (Lord knows doing a floor sit up is like a pregnant woman tieing her shoe) The AB ROLLER you know where your on all fours and you swing your rear side to side (i swear this was meant for the mans enjoyment to watch). The LEG MAGIC ...I  mean really couldn't come up with a better name? I know the process of opening and closing your legs (while standing on the machine) another man musing either you feel the burn or fall on your face.

Then the WEIGHTS, JUMP ROPE, OR MEDICINE BALL...now with all the tools I have there is no excuses.

You know you have equipment gathering dust time to put it to work.

I'm ready to be like rocky at the top of those stairs. Starting today.

Not always good

I dont think i wrote about my last hospital stay. I try to be responsible and keep away from my kids when im in my downs. I dont remember much. Those week i lived a blur. But what I remember is going to the hospital. I was there 12 hours. I was supposed to go to the last place I went. Instead I ended up 2.5 hours away from home in a place i that will be a nightmare for me. A place full of locked doors. All I wanted to do was excape. I left there in bruises. I became one of those people you see in movies that ge5s dragged about and man handled. I was put in a room finally given injections to sleep. In the endi got what i wanted. To be asleep. I did try had to escape. I was there voluntarily I should leave as I please. Everyone lied to appease me. I walked into off limit areas like the office area. I searched on ways to excape. I was confinced that tge ambulance bringing other people knew me and would just take me with them. No one did. Finally my husband saved me. (I had bruises under my arms and my hands were bruised where they would get caught in the door when i tried to escape) 5 hours round trip to take me home where I relearned my surrounding. I was not there meantally. I slept.

While i got better i tried doing things for myself. But i found that difficult.  I ended up eating raw chicken not once but twice. I walked out naked. I was just gone. Lost in mindlessness.

I gained 30lbs in a month. Food was my anchor. Coping with the trip to reality.  And now its time to lose some of that weight. Its time to overcome.

Missing marbles

This hasn't been easy to write and keep up with. I've been depressed but with caffeine I start finding more motivation. But it takes a lot of it. I've been getting self harm thoughts again. I'm out and miss the rispidone. I wish i were taking the diet pill phentermine. ..i think straight on it. And its an appetite suppressant.  Ive gained 30lbs. In a month.

Got to keep things going.

Ups and downs

I work to be positive.  My goal an inspiration to others. Iit doesn't always happen like that as i struggle with depression. Life gets me down and its so easier said than done to do the pick up thing. It doesnt help it takes a year to lose 40lbs and a month to gain back 30. Thanks to being lost.

Today seems better i just hope it continues. Other wise i choose to sleep my life away. :(  

with children come hope

Starting something new. MY oldest is reading John 1:1 to chapter 2 which we will do tomorrow. Josiah jr said he wants to be babtised this summer bc hd wants to see the holy spirit. He i know he accepted jesus some time now all on his own....Skylar accept Jesus last night.  And Cash still talk about jesus being in his heart. I've talked about doing certain thing but now is time to follow through. Tonigh was lovely.

God has made a tremendous impact on my life since I accepted him. I could be whoas me....or where was he when this happened. .. (i get being mad at God) but really my life has been touched in such a way how can I not believe. I have heard "give it to God" I could never do that before.  I finally understand forgiveness. I've accepted I cant do everything on my own. And now my marriage is stronger. And I am realizing so many are there for me. I have learned to give it to God.  And now I can finally breath easy.

A quiet house tonight. First time in a long time I've been able to care for my kids alone and tonight getting kids to bed wasn't a struggle. I am so content right now.

Best birthday ever!

March 17th was my 31st year of life. Oh how I always hated it. Depression over took me. Every year I would stress over being made special or feeling special on my bday. My one day of year. I stressed over the thought of not feeling satisfied with MY day.  The fact anothet year passed....was i good enough to just be happy.

I am comming to be greatful of my sickness. ...Schizophrenia. Probably the meds doing, but this year there was no caring (doesn't  say much I'm still learn just to care for myself dressing, ect)  My birthday came and I was happy. I spent time with my loved ones. I talked. I laughed. I was genuinely happy for the first time in 31 well 18 years....

And I have closure with my mom. She wrote in my bday card " i know we dont tell you alot, but i think of you and your always in our hearts...." 

I was so touched.

This diseases has been a blessing. It opened my mothers eyes. And i overall feel like i was broken.. but being mended. To love myself for the first time.

what a powerful  feeling

Time to put my foot down, join me

Hey guys heres your chance for positive encouragement and a (not)diet i feel concentrate on other life changing things other than just  that crap tastic number on a scale. Something that doesnt make the number or a size your goal. Something more meaningful.  That concentrates on the small things that are to be the foundation to a large picture. Help me be motivated to not fall of the horse. (The way youve been through this emotional time for me)

Today I am 31. I spent the best years of my life unhappy. I didnt love myself. I have researched. I know everything on how to lose weight but like some of you i dont use the tools. I also am realalistic. With all the weight i hold onto I DO NOT plan to look the same as 18. Have you thought about that? I have and I'm ok with it. I learned to love myself.

Do you want something diffrent? Create friendships. Build a foundation. I cant promise to make you skinny. But i can promise  to put my struggles and obstacles out there to maybe help you overcome what you might have troubling you.

Im 31 today. Tomorrow is a new year for me. 
I struggle with my weight.
I've avoided clothes.
I've avoided people.
I've avoided mirrors. Even cameras :(
And so much more...
I've  been un happy too long.

Do you want to join me?   Group: Losing weight and Overcoming 

This year I plan to see people I advoid. I plan for renewing my wedding vows. Be in photo's!  Try new things. Inspire people.

Will you help me? I would love you to join mg group: Losing weight and Overcoming

Together with open mind and open heart we can OVERCOME.

ARE YOU READY.

Please share this...I know someone is.  Thanks so much!

In and out

My hazes are in and out. I feel likevim in a confessional. Its been 2 weeks since my last confession. Lol.

I still have a sence of humor when it comes to family my husband makes jokes at my expense.

Example i dont remember things....so hes like on this day this day and this day we have sex and every tuesday i get a bj. But he is joking. I know it and we laugh.

People try to be nice and remind me how a strong woman i am. But i am rude and proof the latter.

Its different now. I dont want it to get the best of me but it has. I remember almost nothing short term. Im being given to a specialist bc my doc cant figure me out. I undress in front of people.  Im impatient. I am lost in reality i take comfort in snacking or sleeping. I only complete half of what i start. And im not allowed to drive or cook. At the moment i feel controlled by whats wrong with me. Im sorry im angry. I tried to do something with this. Got a tattoo and everything. Mental illness awareness ribbon....now i want to get a siccor tattoo cutting the ribbon. Your so happy and im sorry im angry. I just want things to go back to before. Thank you for your positiveness. I just dont believe what everyone else believes. There is an end to this. If so when? And why is it happening to me?

My husband is trying to take on both rolls. Mine and his.

Bright thing atleast im not crazy in my boys eyes ....i could cry.

Things I've noticed correlation of thoughts...

I have my medication changed to seriquil, along with dismissing most the other stuff i take just not the rispidone and effexor.  I am still having problems writing. My head feels spacy. Numb even.  Everthing I hear is in a distance. I feel I maybe crazy. I cant wrap my head around it. A constant sence of head in the cloud. Some times the I hear the ringing in my ears. The consistency of the words that form or other sounds are that of the buzzing in my head. I wish the noise would stop.

Still asking if things are real. Like dinner with my parents.  delightful.  Dream come true. Everyday. I ask. was it real.  Nothing ever seems real. I quit looking for things. i dont like opening doors im afraid they wont open. I'm restless. I seem angry days. I dont remember talking to people or moments in time.

I have a condition

Its hard...

Today was a great day. I hope its a sign of others to come.

I was trying to find other days to show how in and out i am. But for weeks i was gone....

Surreal

There is this feeling I get on the medication I'm on that I can't stand. I feel completely DRUGGED. I want it to go away. I dislike it because everything that happens will be in the distance. Like it never happened. I could cry. In this state I cant take care of my kids. I have so many people around to be there. Thank GOD. Again I could cry though. I'm so use to being the one everyone counts on. I worked two jobs for years. I've worked full time and went to school full time. I had the world at my finger tips. I was in control of my marriage. I was in control of my kids. I made all the decisions. Money and everything else wise. Now I'm just lucky to remember what I did 5 min ago...  Why does things have to be like this? I hate life right now.

That sentence there is the reason I've gotten in trouble. Which reminds me I said something to my mom. Like I just need to bite the bullet and get it over with. I could think of it and giggle. My mom was like hu... what do you mean?  Its an expression. I have fears now. I don't drive any more. I haven't worked in a pretty  minute. I feel useless. I'm so scared that if I don't come back too. My kids will be taken from me. Not by DFCS or anything. I don't see why I think like that. I don't treat my kids poorly. I don't beat them. I don't put them down. I don't put them in dangerous situations. I try to be the best mom I can be. I think that feeling is schizo related.

Up to date on life

Let's see...how I  feel for the most part I'm here now. I'm coherent.  Things are becoming more clear for me. For instance there were weeks i spent in a blur. I went to see a Councelor and it's time for my youngest have someone to see as well and make him an appointment.  Which yesterday was the big day. I somehow remembered how to get there. I was so surprised!  Some things haven't gotten much better. I cant concentrate on writing this. I am scared of driving. Today feels like a blur day.

Weight loss  wise not going so well. They took me off all those meds and now i just stuff my face. I hate It. I haven't exercised. Days like today I just dont see it in the cards for me. It's like being drunk.

Speaking of drunk. We hung out with friends of ours last week. We both got tattoos mine isnt what I expected to get.  Or where I  expected it.  I'm not disappointed I am all for and all in when it comes to mental health/illness awareness. I just think I still have my heart set on a certain spot so i can see it and since i didn't put something there I  feel a little ...like somethings missing.  Make sence?   (If you can't tell i still am having a hard time putting words together on a page)

...um...I really didnt do much the weekend with our friends. We had some yummy wings one night and pasta another. The boys played with the nerf guns, WAR! I drank some wine. Mostly I just went to sleep early.

I don't  have a work release yet. I'm still not sure if I'm ready. My husband has some kind of something show up on some exrays the doc is worried alittle about.

My kids are in trouble for being unruly kids.lol. watched some movies....um....really life is boring.

Explination of a mad woman

Man I swear this has been a struggle.  I think this is the first time in a while I feel some kind of decency. I wont say normal. I was able to fight off the sleepiness most of the day and then took a nap. Its not easy in the morning. I hate the slurred speech. I hate being stuck and that's what I am.  STUCK.  I know I'm a broken record but I just don't understand. How is it before January 18 I was normal (well normal enough)  and then a month later I've been through some horrid feelings of confusion, anxiety, depression, lost, alone, pathetic, incapable, jumbled, dumb, hazy, just insert a lot of negative words I probably felt them.

All I kept saying is I wanted out of that world. I wanted to escape and there was no way out. I was scared. It was/is so bad to the point that I felt I was unfit to be a mother. I wanted to get out as fast as possible. If I'm going to be completely honest I wasn't going to drink but I wanted to get away and get high with friends and laugh like teenagers. That's how bad I just wanted to feel normal. I was tired of crying and not knowing why. I'm sure that's terrible of me but you don't know what you'll think when your in the same situation as me.  It all happened fast. I was deteriorating mentally. I could no longer think. I could no longer speak clear sentences. I just wanted it to go away. This has all been life altering.

And what is worse some of this is medication related. So I get up in the morning and take the medicine, handfuls at a time, like candy.  I would take some for lunch then, then take some before bed....every day. Until, we figured out that I don't have depression I am just plain crazy. A schizophrenic crazy lady :) .  I think I can smile about it now. Which I'm supposing is a good sign.
But they took me off the candy that had me feeling all sorts of  loopy and were treating individual symptoms to just 2 that are better for what I have. thank goodness.  I'm guessing that's why my head feels clearer now.  The only thing is in the morning until like 2 I'm fighting off sleep so nothing is easy for me.

I just miss the diet pills. I can see the change in my eating habits already. I hope I can get back on track before I start gaining weight.  But this hasn't been easy

and now I cant remember what I was going to say...

I've got the urge

I was going to start this differently but ,,,,,and since starting this I've got completely different thoughts. Which is probably due to this stupid condition but why is it taking over my mind so fast? What if its a tumor or blood clot in my brain. what if theres something wrong.

I'm forgetting how to do things. I'm having trouble with the keys I knew them the other day. I forgot the all the do hickies in the car the other day.  Theres other things but I'm continuing to what I first came on for.

I don't understand what's going on with me. I don't even want to drive I don't think i'm capable of driving long distance. I guess driving has ...dun....dun.....dun  become a phobia for me.

I usually am pretty shaky now

I think i'm getting dehydrated and my mouth feels like i'm chewing cotton.

I'm consumed by this. I am having trouble coping I just found out 5 days ago and i'm 30 that ....well  I was going to say crazy but I'm a woman lets face it we're all crazy.  I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia and I have been on emotional roller coaster ever since finding out.

and since starting this an hour ago I never made my point nor do I remember what and why I was so eagerly  up so early write.

oh yeah I know I haven't wrote much about weight loss but I intend to. i'm just wrapping my head around this. 

Crazy Lady Rambles Mental illness awarness

For all the little ones and adults who suffer from things like ADHD, ODD, depression, anxiety, and every other mental illness i should put on this list this green ribbon, you will be seeing it more as i learn more about myself and embrace myself.
I not only suffer from depression, PTSD, anxiety issues, psychasthenia (where ocd and phobias come in) the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around is that I have schizophrenia.  What kind of crazy does that make me  but really minus I'm lucky its not that bad. It just explains things. If your interested  in reading about it http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/index.shtml  if im not alone message  me
stronger.together@yahoo.com

So I shared that with my facebook friends family and acquaintances. I didn't get any feed back. Maybe I'm putting it out the for attention. Something to be noticed.  Look at me! Look at me! But really I just don't want to be so alone in this. I only know 1 other person with schizophrenia. I know people with depression and their meds are  "GREAT" but for nothing for me was working. So I  don't know what to think. I'm tired a lot. I zone out a lot. Sometimes I feel kind of outer body watching my self zone and look confused and overwhelmed by everyone.

who would have thought when I thought those people were talking about me. or my in-laws don't like me were really part of this great illness I have! How about the fact my thought\talk pattern get jumbled and I forget what i'm saying mid sentence "thought blocked" again.  Even writing this today is hard. My brother in law used to be crazy about spiders or people listening to him...that's pretty bad...  I just get the feeling of creepy  crawlies in my hair.  I don't feel like me any more. I don't feel normal.
They took me off the bunches of pills to...a new set of pills. some i'm wondering if will have side effect if quit cold turkey.
my mind just is all jumbled up even as I come to an end. I  probably should have took that nap.