Surreal

There is this feeling I get on the medication I'm on that I can't stand. I feel completely DRUGGED. I want it to go away. I dislike it because everything that happens will be in the distance. Like it never happened. I could cry. In this state I cant take care of my kids. I have so many people around to be there. Thank GOD. Again I could cry though. I'm so use to being the one everyone counts on. I worked two jobs for years. I've worked full time and went to school full time. I had the world at my finger tips. I was in control of my marriage. I was in control of my kids. I made all the decisions. Money and everything else wise. Now I'm just lucky to remember what I did 5 min ago...  Why does things have to be like this? I hate life right now.

That sentence there is the reason I've gotten in trouble. Which reminds me I said something to my mom. Like I just need to bite the bullet and get it over with. I could think of it and giggle. My mom was like hu... what do you mean?  Its an expression. I have fears now. I don't drive any more. I haven't worked in a pretty  minute. I feel useless. I'm so scared that if I don't come back too. My kids will be taken from me. Not by DFCS or anything. I don't see why I think like that. I don't treat my kids poorly. I don't beat them. I don't put them down. I don't put them in dangerous situations. I try to be the best mom I can be. I think that feeling is schizo related.

Up to date on life

Let's see...how I  feel for the most part I'm here now. I'm coherent.  Things are becoming more clear for me. For instance there were weeks i spent in a blur. I went to see a Councelor and it's time for my youngest have someone to see as well and make him an appointment.  Which yesterday was the big day. I somehow remembered how to get there. I was so surprised!  Some things haven't gotten much better. I cant concentrate on writing this. I am scared of driving. Today feels like a blur day.

Weight loss  wise not going so well. They took me off all those meds and now i just stuff my face. I hate It. I haven't exercised. Days like today I just dont see it in the cards for me. It's like being drunk.

Speaking of drunk. We hung out with friends of ours last week. We both got tattoos mine isnt what I expected to get.  Or where I  expected it.  I'm not disappointed I am all for and all in when it comes to mental health/illness awareness. I just think I still have my heart set on a certain spot so i can see it and since i didn't put something there I  feel a little ...like somethings missing.  Make sence?   (If you can't tell i still am having a hard time putting words together on a page)

...um...I really didnt do much the weekend with our friends. We had some yummy wings one night and pasta another. The boys played with the nerf guns, WAR! I drank some wine. Mostly I just went to sleep early.

I don't  have a work release yet. I'm still not sure if I'm ready. My husband has some kind of something show up on some exrays the doc is worried alittle about.

My kids are in trouble for being unruly kids.lol. watched some movies....um....really life is boring.

Explination of a mad woman

Man I swear this has been a struggle.  I think this is the first time in a while I feel some kind of decency. I wont say normal. I was able to fight off the sleepiness most of the day and then took a nap. Its not easy in the morning. I hate the slurred speech. I hate being stuck and that's what I am.  STUCK.  I know I'm a broken record but I just don't understand. How is it before January 18 I was normal (well normal enough)  and then a month later I've been through some horrid feelings of confusion, anxiety, depression, lost, alone, pathetic, incapable, jumbled, dumb, hazy, just insert a lot of negative words I probably felt them.

All I kept saying is I wanted out of that world. I wanted to escape and there was no way out. I was scared. It was/is so bad to the point that I felt I was unfit to be a mother. I wanted to get out as fast as possible. If I'm going to be completely honest I wasn't going to drink but I wanted to get away and get high with friends and laugh like teenagers. That's how bad I just wanted to feel normal. I was tired of crying and not knowing why. I'm sure that's terrible of me but you don't know what you'll think when your in the same situation as me.  It all happened fast. I was deteriorating mentally. I could no longer think. I could no longer speak clear sentences. I just wanted it to go away. This has all been life altering.

And what is worse some of this is medication related. So I get up in the morning and take the medicine, handfuls at a time, like candy.  I would take some for lunch then, then take some before bed....every day. Until, we figured out that I don't have depression I am just plain crazy. A schizophrenic crazy lady :) .  I think I can smile about it now. Which I'm supposing is a good sign.
But they took me off the candy that had me feeling all sorts of  loopy and were treating individual symptoms to just 2 that are better for what I have. thank goodness.  I'm guessing that's why my head feels clearer now.  The only thing is in the morning until like 2 I'm fighting off sleep so nothing is easy for me.

I just miss the diet pills. I can see the change in my eating habits already. I hope I can get back on track before I start gaining weight.  But this hasn't been easy

and now I cant remember what I was going to say...

I've got the urge

I was going to start this differently but ,,,,,and since starting this I've got completely different thoughts. Which is probably due to this stupid condition but why is it taking over my mind so fast? What if its a tumor or blood clot in my brain. what if theres something wrong.

I'm forgetting how to do things. I'm having trouble with the keys I knew them the other day. I forgot the all the do hickies in the car the other day.  Theres other things but I'm continuing to what I first came on for.

I don't understand what's going on with me. I don't even want to drive I don't think i'm capable of driving long distance. I guess driving has ...dun....dun.....dun  become a phobia for me.

I usually am pretty shaky now

I think i'm getting dehydrated and my mouth feels like i'm chewing cotton.

I'm consumed by this. I am having trouble coping I just found out 5 days ago and i'm 30 that ....well  I was going to say crazy but I'm a woman lets face it we're all crazy.  I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia and I have been on emotional roller coaster ever since finding out.

and since starting this an hour ago I never made my point nor do I remember what and why I was so eagerly  up so early write.

oh yeah I know I haven't wrote much about weight loss but I intend to. i'm just wrapping my head around this. 

Crazy Lady Rambles Mental illness awarness

For all the little ones and adults who suffer from things like ADHD, ODD, depression, anxiety, and every other mental illness i should put on this list this green ribbon, you will be seeing it more as i learn more about myself and embrace myself.
I not only suffer from depression, PTSD, anxiety issues, psychasthenia (where ocd and phobias come in) the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around is that I have schizophrenia.  What kind of crazy does that make me  but really minus I'm lucky its not that bad. It just explains things. If your interested  in reading about it http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/index.shtml  if im not alone message  me
stronger.together@yahoo.com

So I shared that with my facebook friends family and acquaintances. I didn't get any feed back. Maybe I'm putting it out the for attention. Something to be noticed.  Look at me! Look at me! But really I just don't want to be so alone in this. I only know 1 other person with schizophrenia. I know people with depression and their meds are  "GREAT" but for nothing for me was working. So I  don't know what to think. I'm tired a lot. I zone out a lot. Sometimes I feel kind of outer body watching my self zone and look confused and overwhelmed by everyone.

who would have thought when I thought those people were talking about me. or my in-laws don't like me were really part of this great illness I have! How about the fact my thought\talk pattern get jumbled and I forget what i'm saying mid sentence "thought blocked" again.  Even writing this today is hard. My brother in law used to be crazy about spiders or people listening to him...that's pretty bad...  I just get the feeling of creepy  crawlies in my hair.  I don't feel like me any more. I don't feel normal.
They took me off the bunches of pills to...a new set of pills. some i'm wondering if will have side effect if quit cold turkey.
my mind just is all jumbled up even as I come to an end. I  probably should have took that nap.                                                                           

The Labyrinth of my mind

You know when the stairs are going every which way (or am i thinking freddy Krueger )who knows. I feel manageable some days. Then others those felelings all those tiny pills I'm taking to surpress (I cant even talk/write straight im leaving errors) anyways the feelings come tap tap tapping on my shoulder.

I want to cry. Maybe because i want to do everything i can to be better, be stronger. I want to speak out somehow for other people. What is this? A disease i guess i needto have more research. I feel miserable and nothing made me feel this way.no triggers. NOTHING! Iwent to bed early to avoid the feeling but it followed me in my dream. And i quuestion for a split second if the rispidone needs to be increased as old thoughts flash in my mind.

my chest hurts, can someone please tell me why there is so much internal pain. Im getting weary of telling real world people. I'm just a misunderstood broken record. So maybe i can reach out.  I have had my act together for years. I worked 2 jobs long hours. I was in control. .and one day i snap ....i guess the day i snap is the day i took those pills....yes i threw them up....or tried.   But my kids were no longer my anchor.  I over stepped that boundary. ..and now i count on my will power/the right meds and god....and the kids i hope.

But what pain do i feel? Why does my heart ache?

Turns out Im some kind of crazy

Markings are pretty high on PTSD. Then schizophrenia but not the loony one but more im quirky. Psychastheria the ocds and phobias fall in that category. Things are not easy it takes so much medicine to keep me normal....or zombie.  Im always tired.  I zone out. I hope when we go visit friends  i can find some kind of normal. I wont drink though.
I love the ability that because of the meds i control food instead of food controling me. I've lost 40lb over the year i cant wait to get to the 50lb mark so i can do a before and after.  Im not really satisfied because this is my old higest weight.  About 7 years ago i lost 50lbs plateauing me at 200lbs  for 3 years.....and I've  been struggling ever since.  Up and down never above 250....till last year.  Thats when i got to my highest 285.  Now im 5'2......fitting in seats were hard. I felt like the marshmallow man from Ghost Busters  .  i wore the same clothes over and over i became severely depressed some days avoiding the shower. Avoding the mirror.  Ignoring  what i look like. I felt hopeless. Ive heard of yo-yo dieters but never thought  i would be in that category. Atkins, cabage soup diet, weight watchers, HGC diet, diet pills....ect. I'm just not one to stick to it but i figured out the problem. Its a medical.

Im trying to help others lose weight with me on my journey.  I try to be positive. (Facebook group: Losing weight and Overcoming ) I have a few participants that keep up, but people get discouraged when they dont lose.  I weigh on fridays.
I ask people to mainly pay attention month to month change making goals body picture and find something positive about yourself. ...

The purpose of this blog is to overcome personal struggles while losing weight. Learning to love yourself as yourself before you get to goal weight bc if you dont love yourself,  how do you think you'll  feel smaller?

Starting fresh with the weekly weigh ins

Made with #Pixlr # - http://pixlr.com/mobile

40 lbs diffrence

My start weight 285.  I was insecure, depressed,  lonely.  Enough was enough. I couldn't fit in chairs. Or put on shoes. I have out grown my clothes.   I hit a state of depression that i needed help from and thats what i did. I started getting help.  Weight came off slow the first month. Then fast the next few months the more active i became. All was grand till i broke my my foot and sprained my ankle. ...and the depression hit again....along with the weight gain. This was diffrent than normal. I didnt let it get me down. Even though my weight went back up 15lbs I started getting myself back to losing. Granted on the inside im broken.

This is the beginning

The turning point you might say. I was in the 270 here my highest being 285. But no i wasnt happy. Thankfully things have changed since then. Soon will be a before and after. At different milestones.

From the wite cell of Hell to freedom- a short story of being comitted to learing ways to cope.

. . . I don't even know where to begin. Let me first start off by saying this is MY perception of events and is only brought up again because how I felt at the time is what got me here... Back story I have anxiety.  I am bipolar (or who knows what now) I am woman a and a mother which in my opinion gives me (in my opinion) entitlement to be a little nutty.  The medication controls most of it some of the time. The depression controls everything else the rest of the time. By looking at me you wouldn't know it. I guess like most people I mask it. I can say however, I am one of the most positive depressed person I know. Anyways cue wavy line dream sequence:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all started the weekend my youngest son turned seven. Mema and Papa, whom my children adore and they absolutely adore their grandbabies in return (so I should have just thought rationally but I don't :-/) They so kindly took the boys for the weekend to spend time with them for the weekend. Giving mommy and daddy some time to take care of things or whatever. January 18 however, my youngest birthday, 1pm I was anxiously awaiting their arrival. When they got here it was soon after their arrival they ask to take the birthday boy back out to the store to pick out his present. Something in me this is where the anxiety came in and my stability left me. I get it Wal-Mart isn't but 2 miles from my house but here is another instance no one understands me. As I try to explain I become unglued. The people I care about, no matter how many times or ways I try to explain how I felt or I didn't know I had a certain attitude. I can't change people being mad at me. This is something I love about my husband at some point he just turns his feeling off. He holds me and just lets me cry whether or not he understands.

So here is my confession...

I tried to overdose. I don't know why. I just wanted the pain to go away. There was this calming feeling that over whelmed me. I took a breath and ....and I did it. I swallowed them. Then totally regretted it afterwards. I tried throwing them up. They were dissolving by then and I got up most but I ended up sleeping my babies birthday away making me feel even more like worthless.  I could describe it as feeling as though you are needing tons of hugs and all the while you feel your soul is disappearing (make sense?)

Monday I woke up still feeling emotional. I called into work went to the doctor and it was pretty clear. I needed help.  So to the ER I went, which would have been a piece of cake. Had my own cubical, TV, meals,  peace and quiet or so I thought until.....

BANG BANG BANG

For 24 hours I could hear the screaming and banging of some guy. Thus began the beginning of the white cell of Hell. The chizzling to my break down.  A place I would have rather slept then be tortured by time every second painfully slow. I was in and out of consciousness those 24 hours filled with nightmares of self mutilation I couldn't stop. At one point I was in tears I needed something to read something to occupy my mind. Still the banging continued till I was rescued by my transportation arriving to take me to the facility I would spend the next 9 days. A place I prayed would help me.

   It was a restless night and I could no longer sleep I go the idea it would be best to document my feelings as  they maybe it would help the doctor help me. (turns out none of this mattered to the doctor and please note I am reading these entries the first time as I write them)

 Jan 20 2015  5:00am  HOW I FEEL NOW

   Anxious. I'm letting people down that depend on me . I feel unstable. It's in my chest. Panic? This is how I start feeling before I make the choice to call into work.  Driving all the way to Wrens 20+ min is too long for me to drive when I'm in that state of mind. I start feeling trapped. Another reason I don't think working in the outside world is good for me is that it's controlled by time. I hate losing control. I start getting anxiety again its a lack of control. It almost makes me sick to think about it.

  I didn't ask to write just to write about this but getting it out of the way....

After losing control, the feeling of sickness, in the comfort of home, comes the yelling and the screaming and the crying, maybe some mention of me being crazy or something (by me). Some times I throw things and say things I don't mean. Maybe I should take my medication as directed

 None of this is easy being depressed wasting away on the couch eating comfort food as I watch the scale tell me every day I was getting fatter and fatter.  A never ending cycle. The food soothing the pain. But increasing the self loathing.

Jan 20 2015   10:25am HOW I FEEL NOW

  During group for some reason I've zoned out. I don't remember anything really since then. I got really tired. Went to lay down. Closed my eyes and the image of self harm is back. tried self coping. reading Bible-words to big. walked in circles. Told someone. Now I'm Paranoid their might be an intervention people sat behind me. I'm so tired. Can't close my eyes.

Jan 21 2015    5:55am  HOW I FEEL NOW

  I don't like staying in the room till almost 6am. I think writing is how I'm coping at the moment and I don't want to forget. so today I exercised to pass by time. How I feel (they ask on a scale of 1-10 and always at the wrong time or maybe I just don't know and give the wrong true answer?) How DO I feel???  TIRED I wake up ALL night waiting till the time I can write again afraid I'll forget.  Last night for some reason was hard for me. Even my normal meds weren't helping me sleep. I took the visteril I hate so much just to sleep. Then at midnight they gave me Tylenol, I slept and time passed.

   HOW I FEEL NOW

   Why did I have so many problems?  It started with a "Gosh I hate myself. But NO I don't" (even if I do) I repeat "I like myself I like myself......"  Then to  WHY AM I LIKE THIS??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??  I have gone to bed so many times only toe get right back out so to not get left with my thoughts. Yesterday I was so ANGRY. Then depressed . I MISS my family. I contemplate going home.   Then how I feel now? I'm feeling some anxiousness. I'm SCARED! What if because its not MY home my symptoms continue or get worse? I try to tell them everything but there are so many people! I repeat a lot but do I miss important things?

Jan 21 2015 8:00pm HOW I FEEL NOW

   Why hasn't anyone else called? I'm glad my husband called. But It be nice to have other to get a few other calls just to check on me. (note: p.s. I really feel this is a silly entry)

Jan 22 2015 8:10am HOW I FEEL NOW

    Anxiety, depression, I cant cope with this. MAKE IT STOP!

 Jan 22 2015 4:50 HOW I FEEL NOW

     Talked to family, I am glad everyone is there for me. so much support. It's over whelming and I want to be home to be with the people I love...

Jan 22 2015  8:00pm HOW I FEEL NOW

   Hungry, tired, depressed. They moved my rooms. There is so many more people in this unit. They are younger and have WAY more energy. Maybe if I was here first it would have gone better, now I'm just overwhelmed. I don't want to develop relationship. Maybe I don't want to be happy? I'm not sure what happiness is. I swear I'm not getting what I thought I would here. I want to go home. I feel so sad.

Jan 23 2015  6:15am HOW I FEEL NOW

   I slept past 5 today! I'm still tired I'm not sure if the anxiety is coming yet I just want to go home. There ARE too many people but I like this side better on top of everything shark week hit. MY LUCK.  Here comes the cramps, the exhaustion like being chained to the floor. Fun stuff...

  Just thinking, I suppose I keep away from people is because in the end they just hurt me...or they leave. It's amazing though how I always even when surrounded by people feel alone. Why? Why cant I break this feeling?

Jan 23 2015 2:30pm HOW I FEEL NOW

   I'm beginning to feel better. I learned a lot about coping skills which I use. I feel bad I haven't relied on GOD though I try. I find myself writing, exercising, and coloring mostly. Slowly the images are going away, but they are still there. I am glad to finally get the help I've needed for so long. The support from loved ones really. For most people depression is temporary. For me depression is long term. People don't understand that it doesn't just "go away".  I think this place is designed for us to help ourselves and adjust/give meds only.  The staff seem to only study the condition and have us use "coping skills" or listen. The other patients help get through the hard moments more because they understand. They are there mostly for the same reason you are. Makes this world a little less lonely.

Jan 23 2015 7:15pm HOW I FEEL NOW

    For the first time being here I've laughed. I feel ok. I don't have to be sociable but I'm glad I feel normal that the  medicine are starting to work and I don't feel to drugged or zombie-fied. I would advise others to get help. give it a chance and give it time.

Jan 24 2015 8:05am  HOW I FEEL NOW

   I've been sleeping longer till almost 7:00am and I still feel tired. I feel tired but no anxiety. I don't like that feeling . I feel calmer, not angry....waiting for the in between.   (note: I think I was groggy and felt the way I didn't want to feel described above entry)

Jan 24 2015 6:15pm HOW I FEEL NOW

   So glad to see family. Walked for 15 minutes even though I didn't want to. I'm getting better but thinking about work gives me anxiety. I hate long drives. Am I ready?

Jan 25 2015 8:00am  HOW I FEEL NOW

  Slept past 7. Don't feel as zombie-fied. Anxiety is coming back, but I take something for it at 10. The doctor hasn't changed it AS NEEDED yet. Everyone on the outside tells me just to worry about getting better, but I cant seem to at the moment. The closer it gets to discharge the more I worry about if I'm ready.

Jan 25 2015 4:56pm  HOW I FEEL NOW

   I don't like the doctor. I notice the Effexor helps my anxiety. I really am anti-social. I like to be nice and help people but maybe I'm just to old for the groups here....and then I get all giddy or ask too many questions this road to freedom is long. I've already seen people come and go. I don't see tomorrow being my day. At least I have acceptance.

Jan 26 2015  1:17pm HOW I FEEL NOW

    I am going through stages of anxiety, sadness, disappointment. I haven't lost weight. I'm having a hard time thinking without medicine. I wonder if I have multiple personality (note: I don't think that any more) I cant control the depression with out the medication. The thoughts just keep coming back.

Jan 27 2015 5:40am  HOW I FEEL NOW

  Anxiety I meant to ask for something to help with it but forgot. I think at this point all I do is keep repeating myself.  Saying  I have to go home. There isn't much to make me feel 100% but giving me back my comfort....my home...my family... 

Jan 27 2015 12:10  HOW I FEEL NOW

   I feel a lot better. I can't wait to see my own doctor. I was compelled to talk to someone about GOD and forgiveness today. He cant forgive himself, yet he's repented. So I asked " How can GOD forgive you if you cant forgive yourself." He said "That's the thing I don't know"  I don't know what came out of me but I blurted out " I do and he has"  (basically he should forgive himself too)

    Another monumental thing being committed I wore the same few cloths over and over. NO make-up. NO FREEDOM. These are things I took for granted at home. Being depressed I would wear the same clothes over and over ... hair in a messy bun no make-up....I didn't care about me. THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN ANY MORE! I may not love myself yet but I'm going to at least fake it till I make it.

Jan 28 2015 7:00am HOW I FEEL NOW

   I go home today but to be honest I went through a major spout of depression.  Here I know I made it a point to talk to lonesome doves. To help people.  To give advice. But to let them go for others to take over as i spent most my time coloring or writing being anti social had me scared of how my funeral be in the end there would be only a few people there all because i push people away. That all the good i do goes forgotten, that i get forgotten.

   Instead of being controled by that though i spent 2 hours last night and 3 this morning and wrote 16 people peronal letters about being still here for a purpose. Some easier to write than others. But mostly wanted them to know they meant something.  And in the end I felt good. When the doctor asked i had felt like a new person. I overcame my depression. I am finally going home.

                                            THE AFTERMATH

       The first few days i was on top of the world. The medication was working I felt like the me I liked. I was in euphoria, that I expected would go away and I was ok with that. The great thing about being in the facility was the coping skills i learned. Like breathing exercises,  coloring, ect. I learned not to take things for granted.  And where I am not in control of my emotions I am in control of my body. Instead of giving into my emotions I choose to keep my mind and body busy. I chose to reach out. It wasn't the magic fix I hoped for though. Many days I'm still deeply depressed or experience severe anxiety.  I have still learned learned to appreciate things. I learned I am not alone. And neither are you. (Just its not something people always talk freely about)  My whole point of documenting my ups and downs is to show you you are not alone. There are many types of mental illness depression,  biological,  border line personality disorder,  anxiety, PTSD,  ADHD, ODD, ect, ect,  The worse feeling is not feeling is not feeling understood...even worse yet not understanding why you feel that way. Crazy.  Or having your child go through this and not knowing how to help them. I've been there. It's a hard and lonely place to be.

   It's been a goal of mine for a while now to reach out to make a difference in the lives of those feeling in despair, even if it's just one person.  I am no doctor. All I can be is a friend. I started a new group on Facebook open to those of you who may relate to this or moms who just dont know what to do....lets face it these things are hard and a little support and understanding goes along way.                     Facebook Group: Stronger Together

    If you want to talk privately (trust me there were things i was afraid to open up about too) If the least I can do to help is to let you know you are not alone please  

                     message me at stronger.together@yahoo.com

                     AND ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS IF you are thinking about hurting yourself 

                        or others please get help.You can call the Crisis support hotline 24 / 7

                                                             CALL 1-800-273-8255

                                                       TEXT " ANSWER " TO 839863

   This website has more individual numbers http://insteadofcutting.tumblr.com/hotlines

Now if you really feel you need help dont be afraid to go to the ER. Or if your child is causing harm to themself or others don't be afraid to take them. It is ok to ask for help. It may take more then just you to make things better. You maybe surprised with the outcome. 

JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Im in the middle of a shor story i have so much on my plate

I wish this blog had more to offer but please give ke timr as i tie lose ends