*Cue rocky theme*

I plan to start making this more weightloss related. Yes Im overcoming but its time to move forward. I have a whole work out area equipped with everything you love to hate at the gym.

The TREADMILL you walk/run and end up no where kinda like worrying about problems you can't fix.....but I could use it to melt away the pounds.

An ELIPTICAL all i see is a sweaty mess and a bunch of heaving and gasping....i see class in lamaze in my future breathing exercises is a must.

The mountainus STAIR STEPPER no pain no gain right? Right? Oh the pain what am i thinking!

The "OTHERS" you know when you buy into those infomercials on how cool this that or the equipment is but your to embarrassed to admit to your friends you have them after all....do they really work? Well, the AB LOUNGE* the easiest way to a sit up. (Lord knows doing a floor sit up is like a pregnant woman tieing her shoe) The AB ROLLER you know where your on all fours and you swing your rear side to side (i swear this was meant for the mans enjoyment to watch). The LEG MAGIC ...I  mean really couldn't come up with a better name? I know the process of opening and closing your legs (while standing on the machine) another man musing either you feel the burn or fall on your face.

Then the WEIGHTS, JUMP ROPE, OR MEDICINE BALL...now with all the tools I have there is no excuses.

You know you have equipment gathering dust time to put it to work.

I'm ready to be like rocky at the top of those stairs. Starting today.

Not always good

I dont think i wrote about my last hospital stay. I try to be responsible and keep away from my kids when im in my downs. I dont remember much. Those week i lived a blur. But what I remember is going to the hospital. I was there 12 hours. I was supposed to go to the last place I went. Instead I ended up 2.5 hours away from home in a place i that will be a nightmare for me. A place full of locked doors. All I wanted to do was excape. I left there in bruises. I became one of those people you see in movies that ge5s dragged about and man handled. I was put in a room finally given injections to sleep. In the endi got what i wanted. To be asleep. I did try had to escape. I was there voluntarily I should leave as I please. Everyone lied to appease me. I walked into off limit areas like the office area. I searched on ways to excape. I was confinced that tge ambulance bringing other people knew me and would just take me with them. No one did. Finally my husband saved me. (I had bruises under my arms and my hands were bruised where they would get caught in the door when i tried to escape) 5 hours round trip to take me home where I relearned my surrounding. I was not there meantally. I slept.

While i got better i tried doing things for myself. But i found that difficult.  I ended up eating raw chicken not once but twice. I walked out naked. I was just gone. Lost in mindlessness.

I gained 30lbs in a month. Food was my anchor. Coping with the trip to reality.  And now its time to lose some of that weight. Its time to overcome.

Missing marbles

This hasn't been easy to write and keep up with. I've been depressed but with caffeine I start finding more motivation. But it takes a lot of it. I've been getting self harm thoughts again. I'm out and miss the rispidone. I wish i were taking the diet pill phentermine. ..i think straight on it. And its an appetite suppressant.  Ive gained 30lbs. In a month.

Got to keep things going.

Ups and downs

I work to be positive.  My goal an inspiration to others. Iit doesn't always happen like that as i struggle with depression. Life gets me down and its so easier said than done to do the pick up thing. It doesnt help it takes a year to lose 40lbs and a month to gain back 30. Thanks to being lost.

Today seems better i just hope it continues. Other wise i choose to sleep my life away. :(  

with children come hope

Starting something new. MY oldest is reading John 1:1 to chapter 2 which we will do tomorrow. Josiah jr said he wants to be babtised this summer bc hd wants to see the holy spirit. He i know he accepted jesus some time now all on his own....Skylar accept Jesus last night.  And Cash still talk about jesus being in his heart. I've talked about doing certain thing but now is time to follow through. Tonigh was lovely.

God has made a tremendous impact on my life since I accepted him. I could be whoas me....or where was he when this happened. .. (i get being mad at God) but really my life has been touched in such a way how can I not believe. I have heard "give it to God" I could never do that before.  I finally understand forgiveness. I've accepted I cant do everything on my own. And now my marriage is stronger. And I am realizing so many are there for me. I have learned to give it to God.  And now I can finally breath easy.

A quiet house tonight. First time in a long time I've been able to care for my kids alone and tonight getting kids to bed wasn't a struggle. I am so content right now.

Best birthday ever!

March 17th was my 31st year of life. Oh how I always hated it. Depression over took me. Every year I would stress over being made special or feeling special on my bday. My one day of year. I stressed over the thought of not feeling satisfied with MY day.  The fact anothet year passed....was i good enough to just be happy.

I am comming to be greatful of my sickness. ...Schizophrenia. Probably the meds doing, but this year there was no caring (doesn't  say much I'm still learn just to care for myself dressing, ect)  My birthday came and I was happy. I spent time with my loved ones. I talked. I laughed. I was genuinely happy for the first time in 31 well 18 years....

And I have closure with my mom. She wrote in my bday card " i know we dont tell you alot, but i think of you and your always in our hearts...." 

I was so touched.

This diseases has been a blessing. It opened my mothers eyes. And i overall feel like i was broken.. but being mended. To love myself for the first time.

what a powerful  feeling

Time to put my foot down, join me

Hey guys heres your chance for positive encouragement and a (not)diet i feel concentrate on other life changing things other than just  that crap tastic number on a scale. Something that doesnt make the number or a size your goal. Something more meaningful.  That concentrates on the small things that are to be the foundation to a large picture. Help me be motivated to not fall of the horse. (The way youve been through this emotional time for me)

Today I am 31. I spent the best years of my life unhappy. I didnt love myself. I have researched. I know everything on how to lose weight but like some of you i dont use the tools. I also am realalistic. With all the weight i hold onto I DO NOT plan to look the same as 18. Have you thought about that? I have and I'm ok with it. I learned to love myself.

Do you want something diffrent? Create friendships. Build a foundation. I cant promise to make you skinny. But i can promise  to put my struggles and obstacles out there to maybe help you overcome what you might have troubling you.

Im 31 today. Tomorrow is a new year for me. 
I struggle with my weight.
I've avoided clothes.
I've avoided people.
I've avoided mirrors. Even cameras :(
And so much more...
I've  been un happy too long.

Do you want to join me?   Group: Losing weight and Overcoming 

This year I plan to see people I advoid. I plan for renewing my wedding vows. Be in photo's!  Try new things. Inspire people.

Will you help me? I would love you to join mg group: Losing weight and Overcoming

Together with open mind and open heart we can OVERCOME.

ARE YOU READY.

Please share this...I know someone is.  Thanks so much!

In and out

My hazes are in and out. I feel likevim in a confessional. Its been 2 weeks since my last confession. Lol.

I still have a sence of humor when it comes to family my husband makes jokes at my expense.

Example i dont remember things....so hes like on this day this day and this day we have sex and every tuesday i get a bj. But he is joking. I know it and we laugh.

People try to be nice and remind me how a strong woman i am. But i am rude and proof the latter.

Its different now. I dont want it to get the best of me but it has. I remember almost nothing short term. Im being given to a specialist bc my doc cant figure me out. I undress in front of people.  Im impatient. I am lost in reality i take comfort in snacking or sleeping. I only complete half of what i start. And im not allowed to drive or cook. At the moment i feel controlled by whats wrong with me. Im sorry im angry. I tried to do something with this. Got a tattoo and everything. Mental illness awareness ribbon....now i want to get a siccor tattoo cutting the ribbon. Your so happy and im sorry im angry. I just want things to go back to before. Thank you for your positiveness. I just dont believe what everyone else believes. There is an end to this. If so when? And why is it happening to me?

My husband is trying to take on both rolls. Mine and his.

Bright thing atleast im not crazy in my boys eyes ....i could cry.

Things I've noticed correlation of thoughts...

I have my medication changed to seriquil, along with dismissing most the other stuff i take just not the rispidone and effexor.  I am still having problems writing. My head feels spacy. Numb even.  Everthing I hear is in a distance. I feel I maybe crazy. I cant wrap my head around it. A constant sence of head in the cloud. Some times the I hear the ringing in my ears. The consistency of the words that form or other sounds are that of the buzzing in my head. I wish the noise would stop.

Still asking if things are real. Like dinner with my parents.  delightful.  Dream come true. Everyday. I ask. was it real.  Nothing ever seems real. I quit looking for things. i dont like opening doors im afraid they wont open. I'm restless. I seem angry days. I dont remember talking to people or moments in time.

I have a condition

Its hard...

Today was a great day. I hope its a sign of others to come.

I was trying to find other days to show how in and out i am. But for weeks i was gone....