Fluid on the heart

I  went to the doctors the other day.  Honestly, I'm just getting bigger and I don't like it . so I went for help.  While there I brought up some concerns.  The dizziness I feel sometimes.  I thought It was due to the fact I quit taking my meds back in January.  I didn't say anything about when I was sleeping I would have trouble breathing ....I thought it was weight related. It started getting scary.

Back in January they never checked to see if my pneumonia was gone. So when they just did a follow up on that that's when they saw I have an enlarged heart and fluid on my heart.  Everything else about me is fine. My blood pressure, my sugar, everything.   They prescribed me water pills, did blood work (to see whats caused whats up with me) got me up to date on my meds I need to keep me stable, gave me a b12 shot and with out me asking put me on a diet pill. 

I also asked to refer me to a weight loss specialist ....so we will see how that goes.

Finding hobbies

I have been in and out have of depression. I haven't been taking meds as directed so its my own fault.  I know I need to change some things. Like making a schedule.  put important things in my schedule. repeat till its a habit.

So since I have last written I think what I will talk about today is hobbies I have gotten into. One i'm better at than the other.  Chickens. I started over again.  9 baby chicks and 2 ducklings. Its something to get me more active and give me something to connect to. The other thing is I plan on gardening.  I have started germinating veggies (wish me luck on that)  but I made a little area for humming bird flowers...I just want to create something pretty.

Had dto get one of these its all the rage in BYC land

The beginning of my humming bird garden

After I added an aloe plant and soil...now to sit back and hope for some flowers!

Loving Me

 

Filing our taxes as soon as we can I've been able to get a few new gadgets. I got a small laptop computer so I can do my updates on here easier also so I can do my product reviews effectively. Mostly I bought trinkets for the house, new curtain rods and enough curtains for my living and dining areas. I've been trying to change the appearance of from "this place looks lived Tin" "you have kids" to "It looks nice in here" " I like what you've done with the place".

 

What I'm real excited about is this new camera I got. It's pretty simple but I;m hoping it will do the trick. 

 

My husband on the other hand got several video games. Oh and some piercing equipment for his employment as a piercer at a tattoo shop. Speaking of which I got my Monroe redone by him and I LOVE IT.

 

I love the way I feel with colors (like blue, green, pink, ect) in my hair. When I had Just my natural hair I felt so washed out. Not confident in myself. With the new found confidence I've even been wearing makeup. I really like the way Max on 2 Broke Girls does her eyeliner and have been experimenting more lately.

 

Just overall I feel happier (at the moment)

Overwhelming ramblings

It doesn't matter how hard I try, I don't think I will ever have a house as clean as those who say...."my house is a mess right now" but really it isnt. I really could cry. Could I try harder. Yes.  We all can if you look at it that way. But it's exhausting. Where does it all go? Why can't it all just stay clean?  Why does it feel like when I finish one thing the last thing needs tending to again....and I still have 3468975421 many things to do on my list. All the mean while the laundry is piling up. (Which by the way I hate the location of the washer and dryer so my weird phobias kick in and I avoid like the plaque  {thank goodness for older kids who can follow simple direction will....need to be taught the correct way for his wife one day but other than that can operate a washer and dryer at 11} another place I've been avoiding my bedroom which I can't stand clutter while I'm going through the bonus room off my room my rooms become a death trap for my mind. Christmas decorations need to go up. Summer clothes WHAT do I do with those?....put them up keep them out....baskets and baskets of clean cloths because....must I say it? I'm a clothes horder not really. Just every year I gain and lose the same weight....

And I've lost train of thought....

Basically I'm overwhelmed.

Life after a breast reduction...

First, I have yet to meet anyone who has regretted (who truly needed one) to regret getting one done. The best thing about getting the reduction (besides smaller breast) is the confidence I got back with losing the utters I had before. Even with my large stature I feel more proportionate with the size I have now. I feel more comfortable. The struggle was real.

I enjoy the simplest things like wearing smaller shirts.

I like my cleavage (instead of the butt crack I had for a chest)

I like to be able to find bras that fit AT WAL-MART!

I'M WEARING A PADDED/PUSH UP BRA!

I feel sexy....i never felt that with my utter boobs

My back hasn't hurt in a while....

Now....I'm still adjusting to the smaller breast life... I still eat with my plate like 6 inches away from me as if my breast were still sitting on the table.

I am clueless when it comes to bras,  is the padded bra suppose to have space in it?

Still don't know my true bra size.... still don't plan on that being my bra size for good. I pray I lose weight and they get smaller.

I still have nearly non existing nipples...i'm tattooing nipples Friday, That should be fun.

I still eat with my plat a foot away from me on the table as if my boobs were still resting on the table (alittle exageration)

I want to show random people things they can do (like wearing its first store bought bra) and thats not socially acceptable.

Im still as much as i love them, very self conscious. Now the swelling is down im worried they may sag.  I worry about strech marks.....i worry if they look like normal boobs ....

I dont have nipples. I went through a midlife crisis with these boobies lol and wanted nipple rings...but it wont be possible..

All that being said I would Do it again in a heart beat.

Bee my Valentine

 

So this year we totally forgot Valentines Day... I know I know .... horrible. I started off good. My youngest and I started by trying to make home made Valentines. (which he really didn't want to participate in but I'm mean and made him lol)  It was a several step process.

 

My other two kids however NEVER once gave me anything related to kids names or Valentines party. So I sent them to school with NO CARDS!!!! I FORGOT!!!! oh well.... 

 

I got my boys big pillows for $5 a piece you know the ones with Characters from Walmart... They were on sale! SCORE!  and Candy Heart Boxes :)

 

 

Painting the bees

I did the stipes and cash did all the others.... aren't they cute!

 

Our BEE OUR VALENTINE lol

 

that we never passed out..... oh well we still had fun.

Dino Family Fun

Thanks to Hubbies DAD, (and we will pay him back with taxes)  we got the kids early from school (only like 30 min early) and made a surprise trip to see the DINOS.   After thinking about it I really think they over priced it.  It was 110 for the 5 of us ( 23 for the kids to get unlimited rides)  But who else can say  THEY RODE A DINO right?!?!?!? So it was for the experience.

I love that thaey had places to Take pics

They had lots of fun with the dinos, 

Beginning weighin WISH ME LUCK

 Already for me its nice to see the scale move down.  I have such a serious problem with depression my weight goes up. A lot.  Fast. With the help of proper medication and a great support system.  I see my weight finally going down without a whole lot of work i eat a little more mindfully but i haven't dieted (my diet starts today) and the extent of my exercise is house work.

Im pleased to be to be under 300 so im i lbs down from my highest and my beginning weight for the next 90 days is.....

Polka Dots and Weightloss Bucket List

 I have a Facebook group Losing Weight and Overcoming.  And February first is the start of our biggest loser.  First prechallenge was to take a picture of our Goal outfit. In reality every shirt i own is a goal of mine to wear. I had a breast reduction while being heavy. So losing 30-50lbs would be awesome.  I dont know how id feel at that weight.  Ive yoyo alot because of medicine and mental ill.

Any who it will be like a fashion show!

I never wesr dresses or heals.  I would like to dress up and go dancing or something.

Next i also made a bucket list of things i want to do as or when i lose weight. It could be a confidence thing,  pravtice makes perfect,  will power. .. 

They seem silly but i like them.

I've been doing more. A NEW PIC

It's hard to admit. One of my friends are good for me. She makes it hard to be a shut in. We all have flaws. Me, her, you, sally, joe....so maybe it wasn't her. It really was me. (I never said it was her either, does that make since) I really hate leaving home. I don't like not knowing what I'm doing. I don't want to be away from my husband or kids. Seperation anxiety issue?

So my friend has made me get out the house (I should  give her some gas money as soon as I can) we do Crafty stuff together. We just talk. And I act silly again.  Mom mode is off I guess.

I have felt better lately and decided it's time to change my look. Its a new me. I've  got many changes coming and I'm happier I felt it's time with me concentrating on my art side why not let my color shine.

Here is some art I've done today 

Finally DID IT

I have lots goung on btween 2 January Birthday' s and getting one of my kids ready for K12 But its over with. January is at the end and February is here. (well almost) I feel good. This year i feel there is alot to acccomplish. And theres alot to feel good about my. Or it could be the meds im taking finaly help. Or the acceptance i finally feel.

Most of all i did my first 5 k race of my 12 my new years resolution was to do 1 a month, something i could actually do. And not mess up and feel down about myself about if i mess up on.

My family joined me. Its ok i was last at 1hr 15min but in the next year i hope to gwt better.

MY FIRST SHIRT :)

Got my second wind at the 2 mile marker thank goodness 

Finished as a FAMILY 

New year working on a new me :)

How many of you set your new years resolution religiously? How many break them religiously.  ME.   I always set a list of good intention resolution and by January 1st I usually break them.you think I'm joking.....I think my antidepressants are working GREAT!

I'm setting 1 this year. I'm doing one 5 k a month. Just to get out there. Maybe I will meet people. Maybe I will lose weight. Maybe by the end I will do it jogging.  Maybe I will find something more.



So this is me now

                  

So, y heres the ugly truth. I ly my self.  But i am making a change. This year I am starting a journey. My New Year's Resolution is to do ONE 5 k a month. I my only requirements is to work to beat my personal best time.

Im actually really excited! Ive already started training. I know 1lap around my neighborhood is .y miles so 6of them should be the 5k. I only did one today. Its a tart. But i WILL work myself up!

Well thats alll folk!

Christmas is hard for me

I wish I would have taken before pics of the car my parents let me have for Christmas.  A window was left open and the back seat was filed was mildew and because the car was packed under trees it was grey instead of white. I mean come on. If this is my CHRISTMAS PRESANT make it nicer....she just sees it as doing me a favor.

I have a complex of feeling not good enough.  Feeling low class. She, my mother has always put me there. 

I had went through 3 weeks of severe depression. I slept and was exhausted. I don't remember much. But after going to the doc....a few days later I came out of the depression and I'm experiencin something else. My anxiety is kicking in over time. I've been crying more. I know the type of depression I have is what ended Robin Williams life.  The only thing that keeps me going are my kids. .... I felt self destructive the other day. 

I screwed up and told my husband parents something out of anger....well its more that he doesn't listen to me. I feel I'm married to a teenager instead of a partner.  I can't explain on here.  I just want things to be different.  I also found out he is still taking pain pills...the elderly man says he only gives 1 or 2 a month....but if my husband takes that how do I know he's not taking more? I don't know what to do.

Waiting for the stress to END

Since there's noone else I can talk to being silent is part of what is sending me into a depression that led me to this stupid funk almost 1 year ago. I am silenced with no outlet. I can't talk to sher because she is like Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde in real life. You never know which person you get.... she leaves me constantly stressed. Josh I know lies about stuff...money. how is Geting weed.....if he is still taking pills. Maybe I'm just crazy at this point.... (my only clues pill bottle with label peeled off and blood sugar testing strip container, he spend alot of time with an elderly man in the past I caught him looking for pills and his pills went up missing before)  I don't tell Joe anything anymore. ...I think I lost my credibility.  But josh would get depressed and shut down and it wouldn't help anyway.   I wish we worked together.....I wish when I asked him to help me he would. Like we could work on being healthy together. He never follows through with anything. I wish josh would quit smoking....josh jr  has found his "stuff" twice in the last 6 weeks.... (his response was I thought you didn't smoke "leaves" daddy)   they still smoke it in the house. I wish he would quit. I know he wouldn't do it for me. If he did it for me he would just lie and do it behind my back.
I can't talk to my family bc they would want me to leave him.    Can't talk to my friend because she couldn't be friends with me because of her military clearance.  I think about telling Karry. ...but I see the words getting twisted and Joe saying you need to work things out and Noone really understanding. .....I can't tell my counselor cause of dfcs.  I am not happy.......I keep waiting for the day it gets better.

Found my muse

I've been grasping at straws to write something here. My depression has set in real hard. It's hard to think straight. The only thing I really do is find ways to get free things online. I am addicted to that!

I've finally started to get back on top of house work and enjoying Christmas time. Current ly making paper chains to hang. I just wish my boys were more into artsy stuff .....but they like video games and mischief better.

I know it's early for New Years resolutions but instead of making a weight loss one like always ....I want to start doing 1 5 k a month no less than 1 every 3 months if money is tight.....I want to always beat my best pr everytime which......there's only up from here. I think it would be a great journey for me.

I can't wait!

Christmas Crafts

This year I wanted to try to be more home made for Christmas. I figured it be a great way to bond with the kiddos. So far we've made cinnamon ornaments and orange pompous. Both are supposed to smell yummy.

I wasn't right there on top of it knowing the oven cooks high I should have been. So everything came out over cooked. But it was such fun anyway!

I do have to say putting glitter on was a big mess....still finding glitter a week later!

Having a hard time

I have been depressed lately. I got off my healthy eating habits and haven't found my way back. I even gained weight....again. I feel so discouraged. All I do is stuff junk in my face.

My step sister had her baby. I'm excited to meet him. But I can't shake this childish jealous feeling. How everyone has come together (her mom and dad and step mom) but they wouldn't do the same for me. Her step mom aka my mom doesn't like her real mom...but they come together for her. Every birthday party I have had for 11 years (3 kids) I have to chose who to invite. My mom or my dad. I couldn't even invite my dad to my wedding. I didn't think it was an option....I'm sure it wasnt.

Another thing on my mind .....my family went to a cook out at their lake (moms) house and my kids were young. They had us eat outside because they didn't want my k8ds to mess up anything.

Things are better now. But I wish I could shut my feelings off.  Not care that I'm not close to my family.

I have had so many chances to review things over the last week! It's become my favorite past time. I'm still new to this Reviewsio site but I'm excited to try! The bigger your network the more points you can get. Get products for discount and review it!

https://reviewsio.com/register?mref=Mommabartlett317

If this one isn't for you I have others.

Breast reduction 6wks post op

After getting over bronchitis it seems I started healing 100xs faster. The places that were taking weeks and weeks to heal seems to be healing overnight. I credit that to making sure to badge and using lots of vasiline. There are many things I wish I did different that no amount of research I done prepared me for. I love have my breast smaller but I truly believe that after so long of suffering with large breast I hate mine. Even the size they are now I wish I could have gone smaller. I already am getting new stretch marks from the weight of my knockers. Im terrified that my boobs will end up sagging. With the swelling finally going down they are no longer tight and now I think I need more supportive sports bras.

I don't regret the surgery though.

Gym membership

I have been doing awful dieting. I can't stand that I find myself mindlessly eating. I am not alone atleast. My FB group has several people strugglin in it. So I'm determined to stay positive and not to let things keep me down. I've talked to my husband and I really want to get a gym membership. Some day next week I should have it.

I can't wait!