Christmas is hard for me

I wish I would have taken before pics of the car my parents let me have for Christmas.  A window was left open and the back seat was filed was mildew and because the car was packed under trees it was grey instead of white. I mean come on. If this is my CHRISTMAS PRESANT make it nicer....she just sees it as doing me a favor.

I have a complex of feeling not good enough.  Feeling low class. She, my mother has always put me there. 

I had went through 3 weeks of severe depression. I slept and was exhausted. I don't remember much. But after going to the doc....a few days later I came out of the depression and I'm experiencin something else. My anxiety is kicking in over time. I've been crying more. I know the type of depression I have is what ended Robin Williams life.  The only thing that keeps me going are my kids. .... I felt self destructive the other day. 

I screwed up and told my husband parents something out of anger....well its more that he doesn't listen to me. I feel I'm married to a teenager instead of a partner.  I can't explain on here.  I just want things to be different.  I also found out he is still taking pain pills...the elderly man says he only gives 1 or 2 a month....but if my husband takes that how do I know he's not taking more? I don't know what to do.

Waiting for the stress to END

Since there's noone else I can talk to being silent is part of what is sending me into a depression that led me to this stupid funk almost 1 year ago. I am silenced with no outlet. I can't talk to sher because she is like Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde in real life. You never know which person you get.... she leaves me constantly stressed. Josh I know lies about stuff...money. how is Geting weed.....if he is still taking pills. Maybe I'm just crazy at this point.... (my only clues pill bottle with label peeled off and blood sugar testing strip container, he spend alot of time with an elderly man in the past I caught him looking for pills and his pills went up missing before)  I don't tell Joe anything anymore. ...I think I lost my credibility.  But josh would get depressed and shut down and it wouldn't help anyway.   I wish we worked together.....I wish when I asked him to help me he would. Like we could work on being healthy together. He never follows through with anything. I wish josh would quit smoking....josh jr  has found his "stuff" twice in the last 6 weeks.... (his response was I thought you didn't smoke "leaves" daddy)   they still smoke it in the house. I wish he would quit. I know he wouldn't do it for me. If he did it for me he would just lie and do it behind my back.
I can't talk to my family bc they would want me to leave him.    Can't talk to my friend because she couldn't be friends with me because of her military clearance.  I think about telling Karry. ...but I see the words getting twisted and Joe saying you need to work things out and Noone really understanding. .....I can't tell my counselor cause of dfcs.  I am not happy.......I keep waiting for the day it gets better.

Found my muse

I've been grasping at straws to write something here. My depression has set in real hard. It's hard to think straight. The only thing I really do is find ways to get free things online. I am addicted to that!

I've finally started to get back on top of house work and enjoying Christmas time. Current ly making paper chains to hang. I just wish my boys were more into artsy stuff .....but they like video games and mischief better.

I know it's early for New Years resolutions but instead of making a weight loss one like always ....I want to start doing 1 5 k a month no less than 1 every 3 months if money is tight.....I want to always beat my best pr everytime which......there's only up from here. I think it would be a great journey for me.

I can't wait!

Christmas Crafts

This year I wanted to try to be more home made for Christmas. I figured it be a great way to bond with the kiddos. So far we've made cinnamon ornaments and orange pompous. Both are supposed to smell yummy.

I wasn't right there on top of it knowing the oven cooks high I should have been. So everything came out over cooked. But it was such fun anyway!

I do have to say putting glitter on was a big mess....still finding glitter a week later!

Having a hard time

I have been depressed lately. I got off my healthy eating habits and haven't found my way back. I even gained weight....again. I feel so discouraged. All I do is stuff junk in my face.

My step sister had her baby. I'm excited to meet him. But I can't shake this childish jealous feeling. How everyone has come together (her mom and dad and step mom) but they wouldn't do the same for me. Her step mom aka my mom doesn't like her real mom...but they come together for her. Every birthday party I have had for 11 years (3 kids) I have to chose who to invite. My mom or my dad. I couldn't even invite my dad to my wedding. I didn't think it was an option....I'm sure it wasnt.

Another thing on my mind .....my family went to a cook out at their lake (moms) house and my kids were young. They had us eat outside because they didn't want my k8ds to mess up anything.

Things are better now. But I wish I could shut my feelings off.  Not care that I'm not close to my family.

I have had so many chances to review things over the last week! It's become my favorite past time. I'm still new to this Reviewsio site but I'm excited to try! The bigger your network the more points you can get. Get products for discount and review it!

https://reviewsio.com/register?mref=Mommabartlett317

If this one isn't for you I have others.

Breast reduction 6wks post op

After getting over bronchitis it seems I started healing 100xs faster. The places that were taking weeks and weeks to heal seems to be healing overnight. I credit that to making sure to badge and using lots of vasiline. There are many things I wish I did different that no amount of research I done prepared me for. I love have my breast smaller but I truly believe that after so long of suffering with large breast I hate mine. Even the size they are now I wish I could have gone smaller. I already am getting new stretch marks from the weight of my knockers. Im terrified that my boobs will end up sagging. With the swelling finally going down they are no longer tight and now I think I need more supportive sports bras.

I don't regret the surgery though.