Been a while

My weight is up....290+  my meds are up.....im not sure what to write about. I feel detached from the world. I sleep more. I eat more. I complain more.
But lets talk about life. I raise chicken and 2 ducks. I have a cat and dog that run through the house and play with each other. ...oh i aquired a huge angora bunny. Its really fluffy. Its like a zoo here lol.
Ive started painting again paint by numbers.....i hate it. But im going to finish it even if it takes a month.
Thats all i got

Emotional pain

I dont understand why I hurt so bad emotionally. My heart hurts. Maybe its cause I absolutely need the Effexor.
No one understands. And here i am in tears again. My husbands afraid to leave me with the kids. I cant clean my body hurts, I'm gaining weight as I write. I cant control myself. I did finally get the medication I need but now I have to wait for it to work. I feel hopeless and alone. I don't want to do anything  I just sleep I want so bad to be positive and alive.

Hate

When you hate yourself so much for no reason.  You don't know why. No one else knows, nor do they know why,  nor can they fix it. Then you feel alone.

Weigh in

Amazing just changing meds can do.

Foot in mouth

So I have a friend i like dearly. We have common intrest and have quirks. ...I  really like her but I'm really really quirky. So i stay to myself. I mostly dont swear. I mostly listen. And alot of the past year and a half i spent emotional and disconnected.  Now im off the meds and i feel silly. I may throw in a curse word or dirty joke or two. My mind stays in the gutter. But i feel i went to far and even though she says she wasnt offended i feel i over stepped the boundaries of the friendship. This is the reason i dont keep friends....i feel to weird for people and that im just looked at .....i dont know. I just dont fit in.

Depression to an escape

Being Real: http://youtu.be/WEmodNliNwQ

Just hard

Going through each day. I eat the pain away it seems to help till i see the scale. Till i see myself. I sleep just to pass the time. Day in day out it was pain of fighting the desire to hurt my self i felt so angry. And now i feel pure aniety. I dont know how much more i can take. Being surrounded by family i feel so alone. Yet when people reach out i retract i want to shrink into my hole and disappear. I don't take care of my family, my kids, my house. I let myself (cant say wither away as i gain 10lbs a week) ....go. 

I started taking extra anxiety pills to help me last till the doc appointment.

I'm writing to keep note of my feelings.

Another thing i have no desire to keep going. I use to hold the family together. I cared about financial things. I cared about the house cleanliness. I felt like I nagged about the kids clothes school work real dinners. But all off thats changed. I have no motivation and i feel i drag every one down too. I have to get better to get things in the order i want it in.