Monday, December 28, 2015

Christmas is hard for me

I wish I would have taken before pics of the car my parents let me have for Christmas.  A window was left open and the back seat was filed was mildew and because the car was packed under trees it was grey instead of white. I mean come on. If this is my CHRISTMAS PRESANT make it nicer....she just sees it as doing me a favor.
I have a complex of feeling not good enough.  Feeling low class. She, my mother has always put me there. 

I had went through 3 weeks of severe depression. I slept and was exhausted. I don't remember much. But after going to the doc....a few days later I came out of the depression and I'm experiencin something else. My anxiety is kicking in over time. I've been crying more. I know the type of depression I have is what ended Robin Williams life.  The only thing that keeps me going are my kids. .... I felt self destructive the other day. 

I screwed up and told my husband parents something out of anger....well its more that he doesn't listen to me. I feel I'm married to a teenager instead of a partner.  I can't explain on here.  I just want things to be different.  I also found out he is still taking pain pills...the elderly man says he only gives 1 or 2 a month....but if my husband takes that how do I know he's not taking more? I don't know what to do.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Waiting for the stress to END

Since there's noone else I can talk to being silent is part of what is sending me into a depression that led me to this stupid funk almost 1 year ago. I am silenced with no outlet. I can't talk to sher because she is like Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde in real life. You never know which person you get.... she leaves me constantly stressed. Josh I know lies about stuff...money. how is Geting weed.....if he is still taking pills. Maybe I'm just crazy at this point.... (my only clues pill bottle with label peeled off and blood sugar testing strip container, he spend alot of time with an elderly man in the past I caught him looking for pills and his pills went up missing before)  I don't tell Joe anything anymore. ...I think I lost my credibility.  But josh would get depressed and shut down and it wouldn't help anyway.   I wish we worked together.....I wish when I asked him to help me he would. Like we could work on being healthy together. He never follows through with anything. I wish josh would quit smoking....josh jr  has found his "stuff" twice in the last 6 weeks.... (his response was I thought you didn't smoke "leaves" daddy)   they still smoke it in the house. I wish he would quit. I know he wouldn't do it for me. If he did it for me he would just lie and do it behind my back.
I can't talk to my family bc they would want me to leave him.    Can't talk to my friend because she couldn't be friends with me because of her military clearance.  I think about telling Karry. ...but I see the words getting twisted and Joe saying you need to work things out and Noone really understanding. .....I can't tell my counselor cause of dfcs.  I am not happy.......I keep waiting for the day it gets better.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Found my muse

I've been grasping at straws to write something here. My depression has set in real hard. It's hard to think straight. The only thing I really do is find ways to get free things online. I am addicted to that!

I've finally started to get back on top of house work and enjoying Christmas time. Current ly making paper chains to hang. I just wish my boys were more into artsy stuff .....but they like video games and mischief better.

I know it's early for New Years resolutions but instead of making a weight loss one like always ....I want to start doing 1 5 k a month no less than 1 every 3 months if money is tight.....I want to always beat my best pr everytime which......there's only up from here. I think it would be a great journey for me.

I can't wait!