well hello

After 10 months without aunt flo, looks to me she's going to see her wrath. I hope this is the reason for my depression and not falling off my wagon. I've been waiting to be able to exercise after my reduction. Now I feel I'm able but I lack the desire to do so. I'm not super depressed thanks to anti depressants but it's enough to have me lack the desire to do anything. I have house cleaning to do. It's a never ending job that as soon as I do the work it's messy the next second. Endless cycle.

My son came home yesterday. They changed his meds. There is definitely a difference in his personality. He seems more quiet. I'm not sure if I like that. I just hope it will be the last time he needs his meds changed for awhile. I hope he doesn't need to express his anger physically especially in school.

I

Behavior issues

My youngest son is diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. Unfortunately due to his age there isn't much else they can diagnose him with. This all started when he was in pre-k. We were reluctant to give him medication and ended up pulling him from school. He went through kindergarten and first grade, he was suspended and in trouble several times a week. I felt horrible as a mom. Everything I tried to do to help him didn't work. He was constantly abusing teachers and students for reasoning not even he knows. He has gotten better with the help of great teachers, therapist, and an iep.

So Monday we got a call early morning from the school he was in the principals office once again. That was resolved and the rest of the school day was good. That is until he was on the bus. There he kicked the window, hit his head against it. Hurt other kids and his brothers. The bus driver told me I would be paying for damages if he broke something.

When he came in he continued with the irratic behavior trying to break the door, dumping dresser drawers out, and trying to break things. I got him in to a facility that night. (This would be his second stay in a year, he's 7) The behavior hadn't changed and carried through evaluation.

Ofcourse he is alittle hyper but is doing well during his stay. My sour patch kid is exactly like the commercial. Sour then sweet.  He is so incredibly smart and throughout his difficulty teachers love him.

As a mom I feel bad. I know I do everything I can for him, but I wish I knew what was causing this.

Time will be his best savior. Time to mature. Time to learn self control. I love my baby and I will do anything to make sure he's able to succeed as an adult.

Struggling

Having a major depression disorder really holds me back at times. I work hard to keep my head on straight, but it does effect my day. As much as I want to be motivated, I find myself on the couch.  I guess I should be honest and say it's been days since I've washed my hair. My clothes are dirty.  Where I use to care about my appearance I just don't get enjoyment anymore. I want to lose weight for confidence. I work on self love. I still dread seeing myself in any way. I avoid mirrors, pictured, and getting naked.  I drag to take care of the house. (Though i do get it done)..And where I once thrived in being an awesome mommy....I feel run down. Not respected. And frustrated.  (Course there's other reasons for this)

 I let food take over and I ate mindlessly. Maybe I was just bored. I'm not proud of that. I know if I get back on track tomorrow all is well.  I also know to keep the negative thoughts at bay, to keep moving forward. I'll figure things out.

Why I want to lose weight.

I made a list of Why I want to lose weight. I know there may be a few more things to add but this is what I have so far. 

I know there are things I need to change to get there. For one, I need to be more active. I sit on the couch alot. I can exercise during comercials. I want to utilize the exercise videos on demand. Every hour spend 10 min cleaning.  Spend time deep cleaning (you know cause that makes you sweat) and to be honest, having issues with depression I find it hard to be motivated to clean. Sometimes laundry is backed up. Or even though with 3 boys their bathroom needs cleaning and I just look at it and cringe. I know if I just add in exercise the weight would start dropping off. 

It's one of those things you can't just talk about it. You have to just do it.  

Never Good Enough.

I have turned this blog into weightloss mostly. I try to be up beat and positive for everyone.  Fact is I struggle. It bothers me when my MIL brings up a niece and how well SHE is doing at home schooling. It's like all my credit has been taken from me. My place isn't nice enough. Or clean enough. The kids have behavior problems but I work my ass off for them. To get them help they need. To keep up with homework.  She has 2 kids. You know I bet if I would have home schooled and if I do my son would have less problems.  I just don't feel good enough.

All 3 of my sisters are doing well for themselves. None struggle emotionally like I do. Or with their weight. I am often left out of family things because I don't socialize well they've become women with men and lives. And I have made so many mistakes. I have secluded myself. I spent my life trying to fit in, to be good enough. I accept I'm never going to be more than me.

I'm scared of weightloss.  It's been over 11 years since I last liked me. Since I felt sexy. Since I had confidence. I'm ready to lose weight, however long it takes. I know I'm not going to have the teenaged figure. And I've let my twenties slip by. And now I'm a woman 31 soon to worry about fine line and wrinkles. I'm scared to death of what's under this layer of fat. Will I look youthful? Or will I still be this frumpy tired looking  aging woman. Will I be good enough for me?

I will push on and push forward. As long as I don't let these thoughts sit on my mind they can't control my mind.

weigh in

I didn't get I picture this morning but I'll get one.  Yesterday at the doctor I was 289.....but not this morning .   How I feel? This would normally  disappoint me but I know as I become more active it will be easier to come off. 

I also read success stories some people take years to lose weight and some months. Losing weight isn't a race. I find myself more stressed when I have a date to lose weight by. I would take drastic measures just to make sure there was a loss on the scale. I didn't even want there to be the same number.  Another thing I do is dissappear in shame. Or quit participating. 

This is where loving yourself comes in. It's ok to make mistakes. What is one day, one week, one month. .....to the rest of your life? You can take it back. Or you can start now. Keep going!

Breast Readuction

September 25 2015

I had a breast reduction and lift. They took off around 8lbs.  I can tell now no matter the outcome I would still do the surgery. 

 Before 

 How much to be taken off. I never got nervous. 

After surgery .  Coming out of surgery I felt most pain but they put something for pain in my IV.  It really wasn't too bad. Take pain meds on time. DO AS DOCTOR SAYS.

I had a free nipple graph (nipple was completely taken off and put back on). This was 5 days after surgery recovery is just beginning. 

I had complications. Maybe if I would have stay still things would have healed quicker...2-3weeks

4-5 weeks there is finally some healing here

Where the butter fly stitches are I still have problems.  Also I have accepted the fact I have no nipples.

With trying to lose weight (which im having an off day today) i have a facebook group (losing weight and overcoming) where I mostly concentrate on health. But on weekends I concentrate on self. So I  Took sometime for my self and used some products I found around the house.  Made a face and hair mask and  relaxed.

with 3 boys having a spa day is alittle too much fun. Lol

I found myself impressed and my confidence boosted since usually my hair is limp and greasy looking :(.  

I will most definitely be having spa day again next time trying a scrub and an oil vs what I did use.  

Funny thing is ever since venturing with my diet into healthier venues. I want to try at home remedies for beauty.

Finally a change in life

After months of struggling with severe depression and weight gain. I can finally say there has been positive outcome in my life. With the help of taking meds regularly my attitude has improved greatly. I'm motivated and have kept up  with my Facebook group for weightloss  (losing weight and overcoming )  it's still new but a few friends and I are already have started losing weight.

I can't weight to start exercising with the heat gone and the beautiful autumn weather in. It's great family walking weather. Alas I had a breast reduction that is having trouble healing about a month ago. If only I could learn to sit still.