Weigh in

Amazing just changing meds can do.

Foot in mouth

So I have a friend i like dearly. We have common intrest and have quirks. ...I  really like her but I'm really really quirky. So i stay to myself. I mostly dont swear. I mostly listen. And alot of the past year and a half i spent emotional and disconnected.  Now im off the meds and i feel silly. I may throw in a curse word or dirty joke or two. My mind stays in the gutter. But i feel i went to far and even though she says she wasnt offended i feel i over stepped the boundaries of the friendship. This is the reason i dont keep friends....i feel to weird for people and that im just looked at .....i dont know. I just dont fit in.

Depression to an escape

Being Real: http://youtu.be/WEmodNliNwQ

Just hard

Going through each day. I eat the pain away it seems to help till i see the scale. Till i see myself. I sleep just to pass the time. Day in day out it was pain of fighting the desire to hurt my self i felt so angry. And now i feel pure aniety. I dont know how much more i can take. Being surrounded by family i feel so alone. Yet when people reach out i retract i want to shrink into my hole and disappear. I don't take care of my family, my kids, my house. I let myself (cant say wither away as i gain 10lbs a week) ....go. 

I started taking extra anxiety pills to help me last till the doc appointment.

I'm writing to keep note of my feelings.

Another thing i have no desire to keep going. I use to hold the family together. I cared about financial things. I cared about the house cleanliness. I felt like I nagged about the kids clothes school work real dinners. But all off thats changed. I have no motivation and i feel i drag every one down too. I have to get better to get things in the order i want it in.

Just realized i need this blog most now

People ask the normal how are you? The normal response Im fine pleases person to next series of conversation details. Who really wants to hear i cant stop thinking of cutting myself. Or im really angry id like to chop something up dont worry its not you. People just dont understand what we dont understand our selves....its notnlike we try to be morbid. And heres the as backwards question are we depressed because we think morbid thoughts or think morbid thoughts because we are depressed? 

It started in march more then a desire but vissions of cutting myself. Before it was only few......now its all day. I rather sleep then be awake.  Its like my wrist are calling to me.  Sometimes there is so much pain it a knife to the chest....now i know i wouldnt do that.

This all could be because the docs played with my medication too much and took me off what i needed....

Military 3 day diet - day 3

I already screwed up the 3 day diet.  I think on the diet till i get use to it i should go to bed at a decent time  (sleep through the craving and have breakfast.)  I have seriquil working against me bc I WANT SOMETHING SWEET and off the diet i could drink my fake sweet coffee....or eat my frozen fruit.  This diet you have to stick to 100%.   I felt satisfied after tending to my craving but after reading that people are talking to me I felt guilty. I felt guilty i have 1 day left I tend to finish it out and still weigh in Monday  morning. This diet has me looking at my diet plan different. Like maybe i should have a prewritten EASY meal plan for a week and do it every week. Also i enjoy posting my meals i felt held accountable.

But onto the meals for the day:

 

 

Defiantly not what.
 I consider breakfast. But 5 crispy saltines. 1oz of cheese. and a refreshing apple.

 

 

Lunch again...small 1 hard boiled egg and 1 toast...

 

 

Dinner 1 cup of tuna. half a banana and a cup of vanilla ice cream

 

 

I was strangely satisfied the third day but over all due to the fact that I did NOT stay on the diet I did not lose or gain weight. I would try this diet again. It has given me a second look at my eating habits and some ideas on how to stay on course. 1 being taking pictures and sharing. But this is all for now

 



3rd video

Weight loss: http://youtu.be/w_Jk3rYAIAU

Military 3 Day Diet - Day 2

Today was day two of the Military/3 Day Diet. I woke up already hungry. I got straight to cooking (after talking to myhungrily mom) and enjoyed breakfast. Though I put a little almond milk in it that's a no no. Your not suppose to wander from this food path. I did some cleaning. Hunger greeted me before it was time for lunch. I bit the bullet (hungrily) and really felt disappointed in a way that what was for lunch really didn't seem lunchy. I was surprisingly pleased and filled. Took a nap....cleaned some more....was hungry again before time...minus the hot dogs this meal seemed so much better than I thought....

Now I'm Hungry

 

My husband is doing this with me he cheated and weighed...2lbs lost already. 

 

 

Breakfast- 1yummy egg that I dipped my hearty 1 toast into,

 half a delicious banana and caffeinated coffe

 

Lunch- 5 Crisp Saltine Crackers, 1 filling .....Hard ....Boiled ...Egg. 

1 cup of surprisingly good cottage cheese

 

Dinner- 2 beefy hotdogs, 1 cup of broccoli, 1/2 cup carrots

and the most amazing desert that has me n'er to see 1/2 a banana and a cup

 of ice cream the same again....I squished the banana into a coffee cup, put

it in the microwave for 30 seconds and mixed it into the Ice cream like

a sauce...it was soooo YUMMY.

 

alas I go to sleep early so I am not tempted.

 

One day left before Monday morning weigh-in ... THEN FREEDEOM

and going on a similar but different diet....something that includes more food!

Friday Weigh-in and DAY 1 Military 3 day diet

 

I am please to announced after a week of fighting urges to gorge. The scale gave me a positive number (even after the gain through out the week that scared me into fighting those damn cravings.

I came across a diet (which I'm not into diets I just like easy) and what is easier than a 3 day diet guarantying UPTO 10lbs lost in 3 days. So I thought what the hell.... Lets see if this works.

 

Here goes day 1. I mostly (and my husband) stayed full till the evening when I guess boredom struck. We reluctantly stuck with it. 

 

Breakfast was the most satisfying piece of toast with 2 Tbls of peanut butter

A refreshing half of a grapefruit.   Belly warming Caffeinated Hot tea 

 

There were 2 plates but I dropped one lol.

A cup of belly soothing hot tea, a piece of yummy toast loaded with 1/2 a cup of tuna. 

 

The icing on the cake 3 on filet mignon, crisp grilled green beans, healthy small apple and small banana.

 

AND DESERT a whole cup of decadent vanilla Ice cream (I use two half cups)

 

Its not so bad cant wait to get through the rest the days.



Depression lies within....and then its gone

I am so depressed. Fighting with the husband. I don't even know why I'm upset. I think I'm getting use to my medicine. I keep having thoughts of hurting myself. The high I felt yesterday like I assumed would disapate did just that.  and i am back in a low. Im angry. I feel empty and alone. I hate myself. I hate everyone. I want to rip my skin off. This is just a vicious cycle that I can predict before it happens. I know a high will end and i harm myself the only way I can get away with. With food.  I turn into a zombie almost none responsive.

Ten minutes later after this today....thanks to a child like heart i was so ecstatic to hearthe bellowing horns of Bull Frogs at my neighbors pool. From there the evening was family watching movies till bed and husband requesting us to work together or talk.

I just go so crazy. I dont know if I'm coming or going or what the hell is going on.  I just realize symptoms. ....like the parinoia.  Or triggers to my ptsd.

None of this is easy.

Pumped

Im so ready to just work it. I know this is a high....and i will fall again. But till then, I finally managed to grab the bull by the horn (on day 2 I might add) of not listening to the junk food monster in my mind. I made it passed the walk to the fridge. ..walk away....walk back open fridge....open freezer. .."AHH  Something I want but nothing I  can have!" Slam doors loose cals sweating from fighting that sexy monster beast.....The urge getting stronger.....walk away walk away......

COFFEE!   Right now that is beating my sweat tooth craving (the good fake sugar) drinking lots of water and eating something as im hungry for breakfast lunch or dinner. I have a new work out i want to start but ive been cleaning but i will do this!

Im on facebook group: losing weight and Overcoming

To lose to fit beginning

making myself acountable

Angry

Im trapped and angry. Anger doesnt work well for md it causes me to want to inflict self harm.....whether it be to indulge in a super fattening food or have ill wish of pushing everything i love away. I know its got to be the condition. I feel such hatred. Like he is better than me. And mother and son will stick together. I feel like a child now. I cant leave as a please. I've been told to go to my room or a corner. Im so angry i could cry. All over the door being left open and the stupid dog brought a dead chicken in the house. I didnt freaken know. Im supose to take responsibility for my action but i didnt know i did anything wrong so i dont want to apologize. ...I'm to angry. Im just going to binge on some cookies.

Sweaty mess

worked it up on the treadmill!  Only 15 minutes and 50 sit ups on the ab lounge and 30 steps on the stair stepper.. there is suppose to be more on the list but maybe it's best I don't over push myself the first time.  I'm going to pat myself on the pack with what I've already done today and PUSH for better tomorrow.  Now I'm pooped and have house work to do. I feel onfidenct.

Picture Progress

 Here's where I start.....

April 2, 2015 

 

 

 

Weekly weigh-in

Weekly Friday Weigh-ins

Friday, April 10, 2015

 

 

 

Friday, April 3, 2015

 

 

 

 

Mental Illness

http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/01/things-to-overcome.html
  First overdose, on my sons birthday.

http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/from-wite-cell-of-hell-to-freedom-short.html

The story of my first time in a mental hospital
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/the-labyrinth-of-my-mind.html

Struggling
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/crazy-lady-rambles-mental-illness.html

Acceptance
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/ive-got-urge.html

Somethings wrong
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/explination-of-mad-woman.html

Trying to own schizophrenia
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/02/surreal.html

Medication problems
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/03/things-i-noticed-correlation-of-thoughts.html
Getting better
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/03/in-and-out.html

Taking time
  http://losingweightandovercoming.blogspot.com/2015/03/not-always-good.html 
 second hospital stay



　
 　

First real video blog *intro*

I wanted to see how this went I don't know if it will be my last.
I have yet made friends with the exercise equipment. But I feel myself getting close to being ready. Being motivated.  I can't believe I gained so much weight back... but at least some of it is due to the fact I've started producing milk. All of it is my condition and my medication. It is sooo hard to turn back the hands of time.  The weather is wonderful though. And to be honest against my doctors prescription I went back to my old prescription....I cant sleep all day. Which is what I find myself doing now. Things have to change. I have to figure out how to use this site. Please bare wit me.