. . . I don't even know where to begin. Let me first start off by saying this is MY perception of events and is only brought up again because how I felt at the time is what got me here... Back story I have anxiety. I am bipolar (or who knows what now) I am woman a and a mother which in my opinion gives me (in my opinion) entitlement to be a little nutty. The medication controls most of it some of the time. The depression controls everything else the rest of the time. By looking at me you wouldn't know it. I guess like most people I mask it. I can say however, I am one of the most positive depressed person I know. Anyways cue wavy line dream sequence:
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It all started the weekend my youngest son turned seven. Mema and Papa, whom my children adore and they absolutely adore their grandbabies in return (so I should have just thought rationally but I don't :-/) They so kindly took the boys for the weekend to spend time with them for the weekend. Giving mommy and daddy some time to take care of things or whatever. January 18 however, my youngest birthday, 1pm I was anxiously awaiting their arrival. When they got here it was soon after their arrival they ask to take the birthday boy back out to the store to pick out his present. Something in me this is where the anxiety came in and my stability left me. I get it Wal-Mart isn't but 2 miles from my house but here is another instance no one understands me. As I try to explain I become unglued. The people I care about, no matter how many times or ways I try to explain how I felt or I didn't know I had a certain attitude. I can't change people being mad at me. This is something I love about my husband at some point he just turns his feeling off. He holds me and just lets me cry whether or not he understands.
So here is my confession...
I tried to overdose. I don't know why. I just wanted the pain to go away. There was this calming feeling that over whelmed me. I took a breath and ....and I did it. I swallowed them. Then totally regretted it afterwards. I tried throwing them up. They were dissolving by then and I got up most but I ended up sleeping my babies birthday away making me feel even more like worthless. I could describe it as feeling as though you are needing tons of hugs and all the while you feel your soul is disappearing (make sense?)
Monday I woke up still feeling emotional. I called into work went to the doctor and it was pretty clear. I needed help. So to the ER I went, which would have been a piece of cake. Had my own cubical, TV, meals, peace and quiet or so I thought until.....
BANG BANG BANG
For 24 hours I could hear the screaming and banging of some guy. Thus began the beginning of the white cell of Hell. The chizzling to my break down. A place I would have rather slept then be tortured by time every second painfully slow. I was in and out of consciousness those 24 hours filled with nightmares of self mutilation I couldn't stop. At one point I was in tears I needed something to read something to occupy my mind. Still the banging continued till I was rescued by my transportation arriving to take me to the facility I would spend the next 9 days. A place I prayed would help me.
It was a restless night and I could no longer sleep I go the idea it would be best to document my feelings as they maybe it would help the doctor help me. (turns out none of this mattered to the doctor and please note I am reading these entries the first time as I write them)
Jan 20 2015 5:00am HOW I FEEL NOW
Anxious. I'm letting people down that depend on me . I feel unstable. It's in my chest. Panic? This is how I start feeling before I make the choice to call into work. Driving all the way to Wrens 20+ min is too long for me to drive when I'm in that state of mind. I start feeling trapped. Another reason I don't think working in the outside world is good for me is that it's controlled by time. I hate losing control. I start getting anxiety again its a lack of control. It almost makes me sick to think about it.
I didn't ask to write just to write about this but getting it out of the way....
After losing control, the feeling of sickness, in the comfort of home, comes the yelling and the screaming and the crying, maybe some mention of me being crazy or something (by me). Some times I throw things and say things I don't mean. Maybe I should take my medication as directed
None of this is easy being depressed wasting away on the couch eating comfort food as I watch the scale tell me every day I was getting fatter and fatter. A never ending cycle. The food soothing the pain. But increasing the self loathing.
Jan 20 2015 10:25am HOW I FEEL NOW
During group for some reason I've zoned out. I don't remember anything really since then. I got really tired. Went to lay down. Closed my eyes and the image of self harm is back. tried self coping. reading Bible-words to big. walked in circles. Told someone. Now I'm Paranoid their might be an intervention people sat behind me. I'm so tired. Can't close my eyes.
Jan 21 2015 5:55am HOW I FEEL NOW
I don't like staying in the room till almost 6am. I think writing is how I'm coping at the moment and I don't want to forget. so today I exercised to pass by time. How I feel (they ask on a scale of 1-10 and always at the wrong time or maybe I just don't know and give the wrong true answer?) How DO I feel??? TIRED I wake up ALL night waiting till the time I can write again afraid I'll forget. Last night for some reason was hard for me. Even my normal meds weren't helping me sleep. I took the visteril I hate so much just to sleep. Then at midnight they gave me Tylenol, I slept and time passed.
HOW I FEEL NOW
Why did I have so many problems? It started with a "Gosh I hate myself. But NO I don't" (even if I do) I repeat "I like myself I like myself......" Then to WHY AM I LIKE THIS??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I have gone to bed so many times only toe get right back out so to not get left with my thoughts. Yesterday I was so ANGRY. Then depressed . I MISS my family. I contemplate going home. Then how I feel now? I'm feeling some anxiousness. I'm SCARED! What if because its not MY home my symptoms continue or get worse? I try to tell them everything but there are so many people! I repeat a lot but do I miss important things?
Jan 21 2015 8:00pm HOW I FEEL NOW
Why hasn't anyone else called? I'm glad my husband called. But It be nice to have other to get a few other calls just to check on me. (note: p.s. I really feel this is a silly entry)
Jan 22 2015 8:10am HOW I FEEL NOW
Anxiety, depression, I cant cope with this. MAKE IT STOP!
Jan 22 2015 4:50 HOW I FEEL NOW
Talked to family, I am glad everyone is there for me. so much support. It's over whelming and I want to be home to be with the people I love...
Jan 22 2015 8:00pm HOW I FEEL NOW
Hungry, tired, depressed. They moved my rooms. There is so many more people in this unit. They are younger and have WAY more energy. Maybe if I was here first it would have gone better, now I'm just overwhelmed. I don't want to develop relationship. Maybe I don't want to be happy? I'm not sure what happiness is. I swear I'm not getting what I thought I would here. I want to go home. I feel so sad.
Jan 23 2015 6:15am HOW I FEEL NOW
I slept past 5 today! I'm still tired I'm not sure if the anxiety is coming yet I just want to go home. There ARE too many people but I like this side better on top of everything shark week hit. MY LUCK. Here comes the cramps, the exhaustion like being chained to the floor. Fun stuff...
Just thinking, I suppose I keep away from people is because in the end they just hurt me...or they leave. It's amazing though how I always even when surrounded by people feel alone. Why? Why cant I break this feeling?
Jan 23 2015 2:30pm HOW I FEEL NOW
I'm beginning to feel better. I learned a lot about coping skills which I use. I feel bad I haven't relied on GOD though I try. I find myself writing, exercising, and coloring mostly. Slowly the images are going away, but they are still there. I am glad to finally get the help I've needed for so long. The support from loved ones really. For most people depression is temporary. For me depression is long term. People don't understand that it doesn't just "go away". I think this place is designed for us to help ourselves and adjust/give meds only. The staff seem to only study the condition and have us use "coping skills" or listen. The other patients help get through the hard moments more because they understand. They are there mostly for the same reason you are. Makes this world a little less lonely.
Jan 23 2015 7:15pm HOW I FEEL NOW
For the first time being here I've laughed. I feel ok. I don't have to be sociable but I'm glad I feel normal that the medicine are starting to work and I don't feel to drugged or zombie-fied. I would advise others to get help. give it a chance and give it time.
Jan 24 2015 8:05am HOW I FEEL NOW
I've been sleeping longer till almost 7:00am and I still feel tired. I feel tired but no anxiety. I don't like that feeling . I feel calmer, not angry....waiting for the in between. (note: I think I was groggy and felt the way I didn't want to feel described above entry)
Jan 24 2015 6:15pm HOW I FEEL NOW
So glad to see family. Walked for 15 minutes even though I didn't want to. I'm getting better but thinking about work gives me anxiety. I hate long drives. Am I ready?
Jan 25 2015 8:00am HOW I FEEL NOW
Slept past 7. Don't feel as zombie-fied. Anxiety is coming back, but I take something for it at 10. The doctor hasn't changed it AS NEEDED yet. Everyone on the outside tells me just to worry about getting better, but I cant seem to at the moment. The closer it gets to discharge the more I worry about if I'm ready.
Jan 25 2015 4:56pm HOW I FEEL NOW
I don't like the doctor. I notice the Effexor helps my anxiety. I really am anti-social. I like to be nice and help people but maybe I'm just to old for the groups here....and then I get all giddy or ask too many questions this road to freedom is long. I've already seen people come and go. I don't see tomorrow being my day. At least I have acceptance.
Jan 26 2015 1:17pm HOW I FEEL NOW
I am going through stages of anxiety, sadness, disappointment. I haven't lost weight. I'm having a hard time thinking without medicine. I wonder if I have multiple personality (note: I don't think that any more) I cant control the depression with out the medication. The thoughts just keep coming back.
Jan 27 2015 5:40am HOW I FEEL NOW
Anxiety I meant to ask for something to help with it but forgot. I think at this point all I do is keep repeating myself. Saying I have to go home. There isn't much to make me feel 100% but giving me back my comfort....my home...my family...
Jan 27 2015 12:10 HOW I FEEL NOW
I feel a lot better. I can't wait to see my own doctor. I was compelled to talk to someone about GOD and forgiveness today. He cant forgive himself, yet he's repented. So I asked " How can GOD forgive you if you cant forgive yourself." He said "That's the thing I don't know" I don't know what came out of me but I blurted out " I do and he has" (basically he should forgive himself too)
Another monumental thing being committed I wore the same few cloths over and over. NO make-up. NO FREEDOM. These are things I took for granted at home. Being depressed I would wear the same clothes over and over ... hair in a messy bun no make-up....I didn't care about me. THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN ANY MORE! I may not love myself yet but I'm going to at least fake it till I make it.
Jan 28 2015 7:00am HOW I FEEL NOW
I go home today but to be honest I went through a major spout of depression. Here I know I made it a point to talk to lonesome doves. To help people. To give advice. But to let them go for others to take over as i spent most my time coloring or writing being anti social had me scared of how my funeral be in the end there would be only a few people there all because i push people away. That all the good i do goes forgotten, that i get forgotten.
Instead of being controled by that though i spent 2 hours last night and 3 this morning and wrote 16 people peronal letters about being still here for a purpose. Some easier to write than others. But mostly wanted them to know they meant something. And in the end I felt good. When the doctor asked i had felt like a new person. I overcame my depression. I am finally going home.
THE AFTERMATH
The first few days i was on top of the world. The medication was working I felt like the me I liked. I was in euphoria, that I expected would go away and I was ok with that. The great thing about being in the facility was the coping skills i learned. Like breathing exercises, coloring, ect. I learned not to take things for granted. And where I am not in control of my emotions I am in control of my body. Instead of giving into my emotions I choose to keep my mind and body busy. I chose to reach out. It wasn't the magic fix I hoped for though. Many days I'm still deeply depressed or experience severe anxiety. I have still learned learned to appreciate things. I learned I am not alone. And neither are you. (Just its not something people always talk freely about) My whole point of documenting my ups and downs is to show you you are not alone. There are many types of mental illness depression, biological, border line personality disorder, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, ODD, ect, ect, The worse feeling is not feeling is not feeling understood...even worse yet not understanding why you feel that way. Crazy. Or having your child go through this and not knowing how to help them. I've been there. It's a hard and lonely place to be.
It's been a goal of mine for a while now to reach out to make a difference in the lives of those feeling in despair, even if it's just one person. I am no doctor. All I can be is a friend. I started a new group on Facebook open to those of you who may relate to this or moms who just dont know what to do....lets face it these things are hard and a little support and understanding goes along way. Facebook Group: Stronger Together
If you want to talk privately (trust me there were things i was afraid to open up about too) If the least I can do to help is to let you know you are not alone please
message me at stronger.together@yahoo.com
AND ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS IF you are thinking about hurting yourself
or others please get help.You can call the Crisis support hotline 24 / 7
CALL 1-800-273-8255
TEXT " ANSWER " TO 839863
This website has more individual numbers http://insteadofcutting.tumblr.com/hotlines
Now if you really feel you need help dont be afraid to go to the ER. Or if your child is causing harm to themself or others don't be afraid to take them. It is ok to ask for help. It may take more then just you to make things better. You maybe surprised with the outcome.
JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
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