Surreal

There is this feeling I get on the medication I'm on that I can't stand. I feel completely DRUGGED. I want it to go away. I dislike it because everything that happens will be in the distance. Like it never happened. I could cry. In this state I cant take care of my kids. I have so many people around to be there. Thank GOD. Again I could cry though. I'm so use to being the one everyone counts on. I worked two jobs for years. I've worked full time and went to school full time. I had the world at my finger tips. I was in control of my marriage. I was in control of my kids. I made all the decisions. Money and everything else wise. Now I'm just lucky to remember what I did 5 min ago...  Why does things have to be like this? I hate life right now.

That sentence there is the reason I've gotten in trouble. Which reminds me I said something to my mom. Like I just need to bite the bullet and get it over with. I could think of it and giggle. My mom was like hu... what do you mean?  Its an expression. I have fears now. I don't drive any more. I haven't worked in a pretty  minute. I feel useless. I'm so scared that if I don't come back too. My kids will be taken from me. Not by DFCS or anything. I don't see why I think like that. I don't treat my kids poorly. I don't beat them. I don't put them down. I don't put them in dangerous situations. I try to be the best mom I can be. I think that feeling is schizo related.