In and out

My hazes are in and out. I feel likevim in a confessional. Its been 2 weeks since my last confession. Lol.

I still have a sence of humor when it comes to family my husband makes jokes at my expense.

Example i dont remember things....so hes like on this day this day and this day we have sex and every tuesday i get a bj. But he is joking. I know it and we laugh.

People try to be nice and remind me how a strong woman i am. But i am rude and proof the latter.

Its different now. I dont want it to get the best of me but it has. I remember almost nothing short term. Im being given to a specialist bc my doc cant figure me out. I undress in front of people.  Im impatient. I am lost in reality i take comfort in snacking or sleeping. I only complete half of what i start. And im not allowed to drive or cook. At the moment i feel controlled by whats wrong with me. Im sorry im angry. I tried to do something with this. Got a tattoo and everything. Mental illness awareness ribbon....now i want to get a siccor tattoo cutting the ribbon. Your so happy and im sorry im angry. I just want things to go back to before. Thank you for your positiveness. I just dont believe what everyone else believes. There is an end to this. If so when? And why is it happening to me?

My husband is trying to take on both rolls. Mine and his.

Bright thing atleast im not crazy in my boys eyes ....i could cry.

Surreal

There is this feeling I get on the medication I'm on that I can't stand. I feel completely DRUGGED. I want it to go away. I dislike it because everything that happens will be in the distance. Like it never happened. I could cry. In this state I cant take care of my kids. I have so many people around to be there. Thank GOD. Again I could cry though. I'm so use to being the one everyone counts on. I worked two jobs for years. I've worked full time and went to school full time. I had the world at my finger tips. I was in control of my marriage. I was in control of my kids. I made all the decisions. Money and everything else wise. Now I'm just lucky to remember what I did 5 min ago...  Why does things have to be like this? I hate life right now.

That sentence there is the reason I've gotten in trouble. Which reminds me I said something to my mom. Like I just need to bite the bullet and get it over with. I could think of it and giggle. My mom was like hu... what do you mean?  Its an expression. I have fears now. I don't drive any more. I haven't worked in a pretty  minute. I feel useless. I'm so scared that if I don't come back too. My kids will be taken from me. Not by DFCS or anything. I don't see why I think like that. I don't treat my kids poorly. I don't beat them. I don't put them down. I don't put them in dangerous situations. I try to be the best mom I can be. I think that feeling is schizo related.

Explination of a mad woman

Man I swear this has been a struggle.  I think this is the first time in a while I feel some kind of decency. I wont say normal. I was able to fight off the sleepiness most of the day and then took a nap. Its not easy in the morning. I hate the slurred speech. I hate being stuck and that's what I am.  STUCK.  I know I'm a broken record but I just don't understand. How is it before January 18 I was normal (well normal enough)  and then a month later I've been through some horrid feelings of confusion, anxiety, depression, lost, alone, pathetic, incapable, jumbled, dumb, hazy, just insert a lot of negative words I probably felt them.

All I kept saying is I wanted out of that world. I wanted to escape and there was no way out. I was scared. It was/is so bad to the point that I felt I was unfit to be a mother. I wanted to get out as fast as possible. If I'm going to be completely honest I wasn't going to drink but I wanted to get away and get high with friends and laugh like teenagers. That's how bad I just wanted to feel normal. I was tired of crying and not knowing why. I'm sure that's terrible of me but you don't know what you'll think when your in the same situation as me.  It all happened fast. I was deteriorating mentally. I could no longer think. I could no longer speak clear sentences. I just wanted it to go away. This has all been life altering.

And what is worse some of this is medication related. So I get up in the morning and take the medicine, handfuls at a time, like candy.  I would take some for lunch then, then take some before bed....every day. Until, we figured out that I don't have depression I am just plain crazy. A schizophrenic crazy lady :) .  I think I can smile about it now. Which I'm supposing is a good sign.
But they took me off the candy that had me feeling all sorts of  loopy and were treating individual symptoms to just 2 that are better for what I have. thank goodness.  I'm guessing that's why my head feels clearer now.  The only thing is in the morning until like 2 I'm fighting off sleep so nothing is easy for me.

I just miss the diet pills. I can see the change in my eating habits already. I hope I can get back on track before I start gaining weight.  But this hasn't been easy

and now I cant remember what I was going to say...

I've got the urge

I was going to start this differently but ,,,,,and since starting this I've got completely different thoughts. Which is probably due to this stupid condition but why is it taking over my mind so fast? What if its a tumor or blood clot in my brain. what if theres something wrong.

I'm forgetting how to do things. I'm having trouble with the keys I knew them the other day. I forgot the all the do hickies in the car the other day.  Theres other things but I'm continuing to what I first came on for.

I don't understand what's going on with me. I don't even want to drive I don't think i'm capable of driving long distance. I guess driving has ...dun....dun.....dun  become a phobia for me.

I usually am pretty shaky now

I think i'm getting dehydrated and my mouth feels like i'm chewing cotton.

I'm consumed by this. I am having trouble coping I just found out 5 days ago and i'm 30 that ....well  I was going to say crazy but I'm a woman lets face it we're all crazy.  I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia and I have been on emotional roller coaster ever since finding out.

and since starting this an hour ago I never made my point nor do I remember what and why I was so eagerly  up so early write.

oh yeah I know I haven't wrote much about weight loss but I intend to. i'm just wrapping my head around this.