Missing marbles

This hasn't been easy to write and keep up with. I've been depressed but with caffeine I start finding more motivation. But it takes a lot of it. I've been getting self harm thoughts again. I'm out and miss the rispidone. I wish i were taking the diet pill phentermine. ..i think straight on it. And its an appetite suppressant.  Ive gained 30lbs. In a month.

Got to keep things going.

Best birthday ever!

March 17th was my 31st year of life. Oh how I always hated it. Depression over took me. Every year I would stress over being made special or feeling special on my bday. My one day of year. I stressed over the thought of not feeling satisfied with MY day.  The fact anothet year passed....was i good enough to just be happy.

I am comming to be greatful of my sickness. ...Schizophrenia. Probably the meds doing, but this year there was no caring (doesn't  say much I'm still learn just to care for myself dressing, ect)  My birthday came and I was happy. I spent time with my loved ones. I talked. I laughed. I was genuinely happy for the first time in 31 well 18 years....

And I have closure with my mom. She wrote in my bday card " i know we dont tell you alot, but i think of you and your always in our hearts...." 

I was so touched.

This diseases has been a blessing. It opened my mothers eyes. And i overall feel like i was broken.. but being mended. To love myself for the first time.

what a powerful  feeling

In and out

My hazes are in and out. I feel likevim in a confessional. Its been 2 weeks since my last confession. Lol.

I still have a sence of humor when it comes to family my husband makes jokes at my expense.

Example i dont remember things....so hes like on this day this day and this day we have sex and every tuesday i get a bj. But he is joking. I know it and we laugh.

People try to be nice and remind me how a strong woman i am. But i am rude and proof the latter.

Its different now. I dont want it to get the best of me but it has. I remember almost nothing short term. Im being given to a specialist bc my doc cant figure me out. I undress in front of people.  Im impatient. I am lost in reality i take comfort in snacking or sleeping. I only complete half of what i start. And im not allowed to drive or cook. At the moment i feel controlled by whats wrong with me. Im sorry im angry. I tried to do something with this. Got a tattoo and everything. Mental illness awareness ribbon....now i want to get a siccor tattoo cutting the ribbon. Your so happy and im sorry im angry. I just want things to go back to before. Thank you for your positiveness. I just dont believe what everyone else believes. There is an end to this. If so when? And why is it happening to me?

My husband is trying to take on both rolls. Mine and his.

Bright thing atleast im not crazy in my boys eyes ....i could cry.

Surreal

There is this feeling I get on the medication I'm on that I can't stand. I feel completely DRUGGED. I want it to go away. I dislike it because everything that happens will be in the distance. Like it never happened. I could cry. In this state I cant take care of my kids. I have so many people around to be there. Thank GOD. Again I could cry though. I'm so use to being the one everyone counts on. I worked two jobs for years. I've worked full time and went to school full time. I had the world at my finger tips. I was in control of my marriage. I was in control of my kids. I made all the decisions. Money and everything else wise. Now I'm just lucky to remember what I did 5 min ago...  Why does things have to be like this? I hate life right now.

That sentence there is the reason I've gotten in trouble. Which reminds me I said something to my mom. Like I just need to bite the bullet and get it over with. I could think of it and giggle. My mom was like hu... what do you mean?  Its an expression. I have fears now. I don't drive any more. I haven't worked in a pretty  minute. I feel useless. I'm so scared that if I don't come back too. My kids will be taken from me. Not by DFCS or anything. I don't see why I think like that. I don't treat my kids poorly. I don't beat them. I don't put them down. I don't put them in dangerous situations. I try to be the best mom I can be. I think that feeling is schizo related.

Up to date on life

Let's see...how I  feel for the most part I'm here now. I'm coherent.  Things are becoming more clear for me. For instance there were weeks i spent in a blur. I went to see a Councelor and it's time for my youngest have someone to see as well and make him an appointment.  Which yesterday was the big day. I somehow remembered how to get there. I was so surprised!  Some things haven't gotten much better. I cant concentrate on writing this. I am scared of driving. Today feels like a blur day.

Weight loss  wise not going so well. They took me off all those meds and now i just stuff my face. I hate It. I haven't exercised. Days like today I just dont see it in the cards for me. It's like being drunk.

Speaking of drunk. We hung out with friends of ours last week. We both got tattoos mine isnt what I expected to get.  Or where I  expected it.  I'm not disappointed I am all for and all in when it comes to mental health/illness awareness. I just think I still have my heart set on a certain spot so i can see it and since i didn't put something there I  feel a little ...like somethings missing.  Make sence?   (If you can't tell i still am having a hard time putting words together on a page)

...um...I really didnt do much the weekend with our friends. We had some yummy wings one night and pasta another. The boys played with the nerf guns, WAR! I drank some wine. Mostly I just went to sleep early.

I don't  have a work release yet. I'm still not sure if I'm ready. My husband has some kind of something show up on some exrays the doc is worried alittle about.

My kids are in trouble for being unruly kids.lol. watched some movies....um....really life is boring.

Explination of a mad woman

Man I swear this has been a struggle.  I think this is the first time in a while I feel some kind of decency. I wont say normal. I was able to fight off the sleepiness most of the day and then took a nap. Its not easy in the morning. I hate the slurred speech. I hate being stuck and that's what I am.  STUCK.  I know I'm a broken record but I just don't understand. How is it before January 18 I was normal (well normal enough)  and then a month later I've been through some horrid feelings of confusion, anxiety, depression, lost, alone, pathetic, incapable, jumbled, dumb, hazy, just insert a lot of negative words I probably felt them.

All I kept saying is I wanted out of that world. I wanted to escape and there was no way out. I was scared. It was/is so bad to the point that I felt I was unfit to be a mother. I wanted to get out as fast as possible. If I'm going to be completely honest I wasn't going to drink but I wanted to get away and get high with friends and laugh like teenagers. That's how bad I just wanted to feel normal. I was tired of crying and not knowing why. I'm sure that's terrible of me but you don't know what you'll think when your in the same situation as me.  It all happened fast. I was deteriorating mentally. I could no longer think. I could no longer speak clear sentences. I just wanted it to go away. This has all been life altering.

And what is worse some of this is medication related. So I get up in the morning and take the medicine, handfuls at a time, like candy.  I would take some for lunch then, then take some before bed....every day. Until, we figured out that I don't have depression I am just plain crazy. A schizophrenic crazy lady :) .  I think I can smile about it now. Which I'm supposing is a good sign.
But they took me off the candy that had me feeling all sorts of  loopy and were treating individual symptoms to just 2 that are better for what I have. thank goodness.  I'm guessing that's why my head feels clearer now.  The only thing is in the morning until like 2 I'm fighting off sleep so nothing is easy for me.

I just miss the diet pills. I can see the change in my eating habits already. I hope I can get back on track before I start gaining weight.  But this hasn't been easy

and now I cant remember what I was going to say...

Crazy Lady Rambles Mental illness awarness

For all the little ones and adults who suffer from things like ADHD, ODD, depression, anxiety, and every other mental illness i should put on this list this green ribbon, you will be seeing it more as i learn more about myself and embrace myself.
I not only suffer from depression, PTSD, anxiety issues, psychasthenia (where ocd and phobias come in) the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around is that I have schizophrenia.  What kind of crazy does that make me  but really minus I'm lucky its not that bad. It just explains things. If your interested  in reading about it http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/index.shtml  if im not alone message  me
stronger.together@yahoo.com

So I shared that with my facebook friends family and acquaintances. I didn't get any feed back. Maybe I'm putting it out the for attention. Something to be noticed.  Look at me! Look at me! But really I just don't want to be so alone in this. I only know 1 other person with schizophrenia. I know people with depression and their meds are  "GREAT" but for nothing for me was working. So I  don't know what to think. I'm tired a lot. I zone out a lot. Sometimes I feel kind of outer body watching my self zone and look confused and overwhelmed by everyone.

who would have thought when I thought those people were talking about me. or my in-laws don't like me were really part of this great illness I have! How about the fact my thought\talk pattern get jumbled and I forget what i'm saying mid sentence "thought blocked" again.  Even writing this today is hard. My brother in law used to be crazy about spiders or people listening to him...that's pretty bad...  I just get the feeling of creepy  crawlies in my hair.  I don't feel like me any more. I don't feel normal.
They took me off the bunches of pills to...a new set of pills. some i'm wondering if will have side effect if quit cold turkey.
my mind just is all jumbled up even as I come to an end. I  probably should have took that nap.