Never Good Enough.

I have turned this blog into weightloss mostly. I try to be up beat and positive for everyone.  Fact is I struggle. It bothers me when my MIL brings up a niece and how well SHE is doing at home schooling. It's like all my credit has been taken from me. My place isn't nice enough. Or clean enough. The kids have behavior problems but I work my ass off for them. To get them help they need. To keep up with homework.  She has 2 kids. You know I bet if I would have home schooled and if I do my son would have less problems.  I just don't feel good enough.

All 3 of my sisters are doing well for themselves. None struggle emotionally like I do. Or with their weight. I am often left out of family things because I don't socialize well they've become women with men and lives. And I have made so many mistakes. I have secluded myself. I spent my life trying to fit in, to be good enough. I accept I'm never going to be more than me.

I'm scared of weightloss.  It's been over 11 years since I last liked me. Since I felt sexy. Since I had confidence. I'm ready to lose weight, however long it takes. I know I'm not going to have the teenaged figure. And I've let my twenties slip by. And now I'm a woman 31 soon to worry about fine line and wrinkles. I'm scared to death of what's under this layer of fat. Will I look youthful? Or will I still be this frumpy tired looking  aging woman. Will I be good enough for me?

I will push on and push forward. As long as I don't let these thoughts sit on my mind they can't control my mind.